Self Image
I have something on my mind and I need to get it out in the open. My thoughts may be a little disjointed because this is a very sensitive subject for me, so I apologize in advance.
I’ve never been one to lack self esteem, but lately, I noticed that I have issues with my self image. Before I begin, I need to emphasize that I believe the two are NOT synonymous. Allow me to explain.
Over the past 7 months, I’ve lost 45 pounds. I know this is a huge accomplishment, but to me, I still look and feel the same. Yes, I have more energy. And yes, I wear a smaller size – a much smaller size – but when I look at myself in the mirror, I still see the same person looking back at me. At my heaviest, I didn’t see FAT. I saw someone cute and fabulous. I saw a person who is a dedicated mother, daughter, sister, and friend. A person who will go to the end of the earth for her child. A person who believes she can accomplish anything she wants in life because she believes, first, in God’s love, and second, in her own God giving abilities. To her, nothing is impossible. And with that confidence, she approaches life with her head held high as if she is the most fabulous woman in the world. This has been my M.O. at my heaviest weight, now at 45 pounds lighter, and will remain as I continue to evolve.
However, as I lose the weight, other people are beginning to see a different person. They see someone who is “smaller,” “thinner,” “skinnier,” etc. You’re probably thinking…well duh! But this is disturbing to me. I don’t know if I can clearly explain my feelings, but I will try.
First, let me give you an example…
I was at Target the other day and ran into a friend who I hadn’t seen in a few months. Initially, she walked past me. No biggie because I didn’t see her either. But then she backtracked, approached me and said “Single Ma? OMG, is that YOU!?” When I looked up and saw the familiar face, I smiled and began to greet her. Then she said “Wow, you look so skinny!” A normal person would take that as a compliment and bask in the glow of her words, but my smile faded. I don’t why, but when I heard the words “skinny,” it made me feel…uh, I don’t know. My friend grabbed my hand and held up my arm as if I were on display so she could check me out. I gently pulled away and said “I am NOT skinny!” I didn’t mean to sound defensive, but I’m sure it came out that way. To which she responded “Oh, I didn’t mean it in a bad way. I meant…you look GREAT!” I said “thank you,” we embraced in a hug, chatted for a few minutes, then went on our merry way.
BG witnessed the Target exchange and she knew what was coming next. On the way home in the car, I started in…
“Why did she call me skinny?”
“I am NOT skinny!”
“Do you think I’m skinny?”
“What is it that people see that I don’t see?”
“BG, do you hear me?”
“I need a frame of reference because I don’t get it. Can you name two people we know that is similar to what I use to look like vs. what I look like now?”
“Help me understand the perception. I need to see what you see.”
Bless her little 18 year old heart. She tried her very best to help her crazy mama. For the most part, she said “No mom, you are not skinny, but you do look different. I see you everyday so it’s not that big of a deal to me. When I look at your old pictures and look at you now, your face is slimmer, your arms are smaller, your neck is more visible, and you have the legs of an athlete. This is not to say you were fat or sloppy before, but you look physically fit now.”
I listened attentively and let her words marinate. I rode the rest of the way home in silence and tried to sort out the confusing thoughts in my head.
The Target exchange reminded me of similar exchanges with others. People who read my blog (or follow me on Twitter) and know me in real life are probably more familiar with my weight loss journey than anyone. So when we get together in person, they naturally comment on how I look. One friend tried to call me “skinny minnie” but the name made me cringe. She now refers to me as “Lil Bit,” which is still confusing but more palatable. Another friend described me as “slim hipped” and other adjectives that I can’t seem to reconcile in my head.
It isn’t that I don’t know how to take a compliment. I know there are many people who struggle with that, but I’m not one of them. I get compliments all the time; I say thank you and keep it moving. But this is different. What I hear is so confusing to me that I don’t receive the intended message as a compliment at all. I have a hard time associating myself with the words “slim” or “skinny.” In the past, those words would have been music to my ears. But for some strange reason, I respond as if they have a negative connotation.
I don’t feel skinny. I don’t feel slim. I don’t think I ever want to be. But I definitely don’t feel physically fit…yet. :-) In fact, I still can’t believe I only have 11.4 lbs to reach my “happy” weight. When I look at myself in the mirror, it appears that I still have such a long way to go.
I don’t know if my feelings are normal. I think I read somewhere that when losing weight, it takes a while for your brain to catch up with the physical changes. I do know that weight loss is more mental than physical, so this may be true. I’m 45.6 lbs down with only 11.4 lbs to go. Perhaps my brain is just a lot slower than others. *shrug*
