I Have to Remind Myself to be a Cheerful Giver
I’ve been extra happy lately because we’re about to enter my most favorite time of the year - the winter holiday season. I love the spirit of the holidays. I love spending time with family, eating lots of different food I haven’t had all year long, buying gifts for others, time off work, etc. But one of the main things I look forward to is adopting a family for the holidays.
I usually complete a volunteer application in mid-October and choose a family in early November. The agency will fax me a list of about 10 need requests and I let BabyGirl choose who she wants to adopt for the holidays. She usually picks a family that has 2 or more children, at least one girl, and one child around her age range. Then, for the rest of the year, BabyGirl and I are responsible for delivering a food basket on Thanksgiving and Christmas, as well as buying gifts for the children on Christmas.
When BabyGirl finally narrows down her choice (we have 1 week to review), I notify the agency and immediately contact the parent/guardian to build a rapport. I do not impose on their privacy, but I create a tone that allows them to share whatever they are comfortable sharing, and I the same. Once they learn that I’m a single parent, it creates an unspoken bond of understanding and trust. Then I learn a little more about the children and their family life. This exchange warms my heart because it reminds me that there is still good in the world, despite troubled times. After that human connection, I begin to review the list of ‘needs’ provided by the agency, which is always reasonable. Sometimes I might throw in a few extra based on something I learned about the family after speaking with the parent/guardian. Conversely, the list of ‘wants’ may be a little over the top - think Wii, PS3, Seven jeans, etc. I have to laugh and remind myself that these are children exposed to our materialistic world. But no matter what, I try to get all of their ‘needs’ and most of their ‘wants’ that are within my budget.
I love shopping for my adopted family, but my greatest pleasure is on the day of delivery. About a week before Thanksgiving, BabyGirl and I deliver food baskets. I buy whatever they say they need, including the turkey. It never fails - no matter who they are, where they live, their race, their age, or income bracket - I’m always invited into their modest home for a meal or at least something to drink. I politely decline to stay for dinner, but I usually chat for a little while. Maybe 15 minutes or so, especially if the children are home. Same thing for Christmas. I love seeing the looks on the children’s faces when we deliver the packages. I especially love the look from mom (and sometimes dad) when she sees a little something thrown in for her too. The family is always so appreciative, and for some reason, the children fall in love with BabyGirl.
Three years ago, BabyGirl developed a friendship with a girl from our adopted family. The little girl cried when we moved away. I bought her a $10 calling card just so she could call BabyGirl whenever she wanted. Two years ago, the children bought BabyGirl a Christmas gift. It was a super tiny bear in a super tiny gift bag and the bear’s scarf said “THANKS!” Here we were delivering gifts for them and they had something for us too. It spoke volumes to me about how the children were being raised. BabyGirl cried a bucket of tears when the smallest one handed it to her. She’s kept that lil’ bear on her nightstand ever since.
As you can see, adopting a family for the holidays has become a tradition for us. We get immense pleasure from helping those in need and seeing the direct impact of our contributions. We give a little and receive a lot in return. It’s a win, win situation for all. We’ve done it this way for the past 5 years and it’s something we look forward to every year.
Well, the agency we’re affiliated with has decided to do things a little differently this year. Apparently, some families were not being chosen. The reason(s) were varied, but the new head of the agency thought it was unfair. So this year, the needy family was randomly assigned to a volunteer family. This is who we received:
Parent/Guardian Name: xx
Address: xx
Phone: none
Does family speak English: No
If no, primary language: Spanish
Number of adults in household: 3
Number of children in household: 2
1st Child’s Name: xx
1st Child’s Age: 10
1st Child’s Gender: male
1st Child’s size: 14
1st Child’s wish list: gift certificate
2nd Child’s Name: xx
2nd Child’s Age: 4
2nd Child’s Gender: male
2nd Child’s size: 6
2nd Child’s wish list: gift certificate
Hmm…now I see several things wrong with this picture (see bold emphasis), but I won’t go there. BabyGirl is not happy about this at all. Neither am I. But I believe everything happens for a reason, so there’s something we’re both supposed to learn about giving.
I just haven’t figured it out yet…
[image credit: www.smileycollector.com]
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Perhaps you were meant to become a “Cheerful Giver” by providing birthday gifts instead since birthdays are also holidays. While you won’t see the child who receives the gift you can take your toy-filled birthday gift bags to a shelter or food shelf in your own community.
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No mam on those gift certificates. There’s no way a 4 yr old asked for a gift certificate. I’d make an executive decision to get the kids things that “most” kids their age would like.
One of the first things that popped into my head is..what are the qualifications for signing up as a needy family? Is there an interview process? Considering the family is Hispanic, it is possible there is an elderly relative living in the household, but it is also possible the third (or even second) adult is not related, which can give any “giver” pause. Additionally, WHY was the agency not sensitive to the language barrier here? It’s just plain common sense to not put the giver NOR the receiver into an uncomfortable situation where basic communication is not easy, or even possible. Granted, there may be no givers who speak Spanish, but certainly this should be a screening question for the giver, as some may not care about the personal connection so much, but others will.
I work with non-profit charitable organizations, and this whole change of process smacks of bad decision making. Yes, it is a charity and the end goal is to help needy families, but people tend to donate, have a good experience with, and return to those organizations that facilitate the best possible experience for everyone involved. Obviously you now have many questions about those you are helping, which should NOT have been the case, because this of course makes your giving more hesitant, and perhaps more skeptical. It really defeats the purpose of what the agency was accomplishing, from your previous experience.
On a final note, the fact that some families were not being selected can be indicative of flaws in the screening process, or in the “selling” if you will of the needy families. Just looking at the information they gave you makes me want to slap myself in the head, because rather than giving you a full picture of a family (which always come in all shapes and sizes) this list forces one to raise eyebrows and wonder “What is going on here?”. A shame, really, the agency is not helping themselves with this process, and perhaps it would be a good idea to talk to someone and give them some constructive criticism!
Sorry for the long comment, but I often see these bad decisions happen in charitable non-profits and it drives me bonkers! Good luck Single Ma!
That doesn’t sound at all like your last few years. What great, touching stories. Wow. Giving gift certificates is nothing at all like those beautiful experiences.
Why not just ask the agency what they could do? Couldn’t you just ask the agency for a family with a girl around BabyGirl’s age that speaks English?
If the agency insists on this random policy, you could probably get a family with a better fit through your church. I don’t think you should have to change your giving style. It is beautiful.
Hm…sounds like this new head is running a sham operation now - I’d report this to the BBB, or a Help Me Howard type of person. Also find a new charity to give to!
Yeah, that really sucks, Single Ma, they know good and well those kids didn’t ask for gift certificates. It takes the joy out of shopping.
If families were not being chosen it is obvious that there are not enough givers. Some families will still be without. This new head needs to do some rethinking !!
I second the suggestion about the gift certificate. Even at 10 my son was not asking for a gift certificate. Get the kids gifts that can be opened and touched immediately. And not a gift certificate that can be used by anyone.
I also agree that you need to tell the agency about the flaws. I have never been in a position where I was able to help another family. My thoughts though would be the same as yours. Being able to develop a connection gives one an awesome feeling. I don’t see that happening with the language barrier.
Something definitely sounds very shady about the family’s requests. On one hand, they could be scammers, but on the other, they could be in a situation where they need those gift certificates to buy their own food and clothing necessities - thinking they could buy several sweaters with what you give them instead of receiving one very nice sweater. This is just a thought, of course.
One idea is to contact the agency and have them contact the family and get them to enter specific requests. Tell them you don’t mind helping this family if they are truly in need, but you won’t do gift certificates.
This is a really sweet thing you do. I also agree that a four year old isn’t asking for a gift certificate. Perhaps the agency could rethink their policy and do gift certificates for 15 and up kids or something like that, or none at all? Regardless, good for you for helping a family in need.
I did this last year and I loved it. A couple of my coworkers were already doing it and I asked to help too. It was too late for me to select a family but I was able to help them buy some things for the needy family. It feels good to be able to help others and I plan to do it again this year. I have been very blessed so I surely need to spread the blessing.
I agree with you on this years family. The wish list seems a bit shady!!
I think you should forward the agency a copy of this post.
LMAO @ gift certficates.. I’ll keep my comments to myself.. sigh..
We’ve adopted a family for Thanksgiving.. what I found very funny was when the mom requested a fully prepared meal from one of the grocery stores.. she said “because she never cooked a real thanksgiving meal”. It made me smile after talking with her I do understand why..
See you on the other side Ma..
I’ve always adopted one or two families every year. I remind myself that I don’t know what happens to the items I give once they leave my possession, so I need to focus on giving with a full heart instead of a suspicious one.
i’m sorry to hear that the family you are adopting this year seems to be trying to scam the system. i adopt a family every year and i also volunteer with the family registration process (working with the families to complete the forms that get submitted and matched up with the donors) and the organization i work with requires that the family ask for clothing (esp. hats, gloves, scarves for the kids) and then they get three “wishes” where they can ask for any toy/item that they might want. they ask that the families try to make one wish a toy that promotes exercise (bike, skateboard, etc) and one that promotes education (leapfrog type toy). when i register the families i try to get them to focus on those things. each family is also given a gift certificate to a local grocery store and shopping center. it sounds like the organization you work with has definitely missed a step here. IMO and experience, only teenagers ask for gift certificates. in my experience working with families at the holiday registrations the kids are VERY specific about what they want. it sounds like the parents are just putting down what THEY want. i agree with other commenters that you should buy some toys you think are more what the kids want instead of gift cards. good luck!
It’s a good thing you do by giving back to others. I’ve been on the receiving end of these and honestly that whole scenariou doesn’t sound right at all. If you’re bringing not just Christmas gifts, but also the Thanksgiving meal you should be able to communicate with them and bond with the family. That stinks they changed the way the match and I agree that a conversation with the director is in order. You should have more stories like in your previous years, not just drop and go.
The gift certificate request for the kids made me shake my head as well. That is the parents or the organization for sure, and not right either way. When we received gifts as a family in need, I had the worst time thinking of things for my son who was 18 mos, but I didn’t ask for GC’s for him! I just couldn’t think of anything he needed as we had the basics. Thankfully the ppl giving got him cute outfits I wouldn’t think to buy, little toys, and books, etc. I even got gloves and hat set with my GCs, which was nice to open a box just for me. It’s sad this place is going to lose givers next year by changing how they match families.
I am a newbie here & have never posted before, but felt compelled to write. I ask in advance that you forgive the long comment-obviously I feel very strongly about this.
Cheerful Givers…that’s the tagline on your smiley face balloon…stick with that. Nearly everyone jumped to the conclusion that this family is scamming the system. Come on!! If you are in the public assistance/social work/non-profit organization system, you are there for a reason, or several reasons. And MOST OFTEN, not by personal choice. Personal experience talking. If you’ve never needed any charity, good for you! Consider yourself lucky! It could be you or a loved one very easily needing help, especially in today’s world.
As someone who has been on the receiving side of such powerful gifts; bless you and BabyGirl for your kindness and generosity. I can promise you that you don’t know the depths of gratitude that those families feel for you both. To come to their aid, especially during the big gift giving season, is a wonderful gift all by itself.
As for your concerns…while I agree that a four year old is not asking for a gift certificate, maybe the language barrier is so great they don’t know HOW to ask for what they really need. Or their needs are so great that they don’t even know where to begin. Maybe the third adult is really an 18 year old trying to finish school. Hispanic families often have extended family living together so maybe an elderly parent or a sick relative is the third adult. Maybe the social worker was working so quickly to get this family into the program so they could be part of the holiday giving program and put “gift certificates” just to put something in the required fields. There are a lot of different scenarios that are completely plausible. PLEASE don’t assume the worst. It is hard enough to be a part of “the system” without others perpetuating the welfare stereotypes.
Your options are as varied as the possible scenarios for the vague answers to the questionnaire in my opinion. Here are just 3… First option, like others have said, ask the agency to work with you a bit to give you more information about the family you are giving to. Explain why this information is too limiting and what you are hoping for. Share past experiences. Explain WHY IT MATTERS! Make it about THE FAMILY, not about your experience. You’ll get farther. Second option, opt out. Find an agency that will give you the experience that you are looking for. But then this Hispanic family will be left without. Third option, do your very best with the information given!! Take it at face value and run with it. Think outside the box. Give ESL (English as a second language) CDs & a CD player–that would help the entire family. Maybe learn the very basics of Spanish to be able to communicate with them even briefly. How appreciated the thoughtfulness would be. And a new experience for you and BabyGirl to share together. Gift them certificates to a movie theatre-fun for the whole family. Give certificates to very age specific stores to ensure that they aren’t being used for everyone if that is truly an issue for you. But just maybe general gift certificates are REALLY the best possible gifts for this particular family.
More past experience talking… Two Christmases ago I received nearly $100 in gift certificates from people in my new office. Truly the best presents I could have received at that time! I had cried myself to sleep several nights in December knowing I wouldn’t have money for gifts-for anyone, much less for my son. I had been unemployed for months (previous employer still owes me more than $2500) and had just started working again in Oct so totally trying to “catch up.” Those gift cards… I can’t begin to tell you how they blessed me!! Or how far I stretched their monetary value! I bought things to make gifts for my loved ones stretching the value of those gift cards even farther. I can’t explain how GOOD it felt to have gifts to give or how giddy I was. I can’t share the looks of awe for the handmade and very heartfelt gifts. Each and every gift meant more. So was using those gift cards on others the intended use of those gift cards?? Some would think not, but I certainly think so. My coworkers/friends wanted me to use them for myself…and I did. I used them to give joy to my loved ones. More importantly, those gift cards improved my self esteem at a very critical time in my life! What greater gift is there than that?? One of the gift cards was to Dairy Queen of all places! I took my son for a special date night after the craziness of the holidays and made sure to tell him who was responsible for our special treat. It was great fun!! What I had expected to be a truly depressing Christmas for me as a parent, auntie, daughter, sister & friend, was the most rewarding in my nearly 40 years.
I know the scenario is different here, but you can’t possibly know the details of their situation so just have fun with it! Is there a chance that a negative/scam scenario is the real one? Yes, of course-just as it is with any other family you’ve met. All had the same chance of being a scam if you think about it. Is it likely, no!
So my advice to you… EMBRACE the new experience-you might find it to be your best experience yet!! You may bless this family in ways you can’t begin to imagine.
Wow, previous post was long!
SM, can you pick another family at this point? or perhaps someone that a local church can recommend?
I really do not understand that no one in the family speaks English and not even 14 yo- this family might be illegaly here. How do you feel about giving to people who would break the law to come to this country?
Giving with an open heart is great, however giving to people who need this giving because they are illegal……I donno about that
I definetly would not, plus BG is not happy and who can give openly when they are not happy?
If you choose another family I am sure almost everyone will understand your reasons for doing it.
@ Rufina-please tell me you are not making the jump from the family not speaking English to them being illegally here. How can you make that assumption? Perhaps they just came to this country and are still learning the language. I don’t understand why you would assume that a lack of English makes someone illegal. I registered numerous families for a holiday gift program and many of them didn’t speak English. These were not all Hispanic families. There were families from all over the world who haven’t been here that long and haven’t picked up the language yet. I also don’t understand why you assume they “need giving because they are illegal”. Being in this country illegally does not equate with being poor. And btw, the list said that they had a 10 year old and 4 year old. Again, if they just came to the country they might not speak the language yet. Also, they may consider only the parents in the question “Does the family speak English”, excluding the children, who may very well speak English, from that answer. I’m sorry to read such a narrow-minded comment.
I do not think I am a narrow minded person, well maybe at times, but illegal immigration is something I feel very strong about. I live in NY where I see how social services system is abused by mostly illegal immigrants; crimes are high in the areas where illegal immigrants live; drugs and prostitution are widely spread, etc.
now lets think about immigration in general and how I see it.
First, if you know you will immigrate-why would you not learn some language while you are waiting for permission to come here? In the country where I came from many people do exactly just that-they plan ahead, learn the language, learn a trade so that when they come they are ready to start working right away. I am an immigrant myself, so I think I know what I am talking about. And English is so close to Spanish that it requires very little effort to transition from one to another. My daughter’s foreign language is Spanish in school, and when she is studying, even I can understand, and mind you English is not my first language, but second.
Second, how do you knowingly immigrate to a foreign country if you know that you will have to depend on handouts from the system and/or charity. Would you immigrate if you knew that? I bet not!
Third-from what SM told us, family in need does not ask for Gift Certificates - they would ask for food items, kids clothing, educational items for kids, etc. This particular family is asking for GC and I bet it is from department store.
I do Secret Santa (did I say it right?) almost every year, or donate toys every year-depending on what my company sponsors at the moment and some letters that I have seen for the Santa just plain knocked me over. My own child does not ask me for things that were in those letters. Expensive electronics, computer and video games, boom boxes, doll houses, digital cameras, sidekicks - you name it! Needy families are the ones who truly need, not want.
We do not know much about this family, however this was my opinion and no need to jump on my just because I want to explore other possibilities as to what this particular family represents.
Yeah the gift certificate for the 4 year old doesn’t smell right. Regardless, I think what you and baby girl are doing is so impressive.