Victims of the Economy or Frivolous Spenders?
Occasionally, I receive an email from a fabulous reader that makes me pause for the cause. You know, the kind that makes me want to say WTF. Sometimes, the person has read my blog long enough to say “WTF!” for me. LOL! And if you make me say WTF, you can guarantee it’ll make the blog. LOL! So my fabulous reader who sent the following email, you asked for it. LOL!
Dear Single Ma,
I have never written to you before, and I am well aware that I risk becoming one of your “WTF?” examples that I occasionally see on your blog, but recent events in my social circle are driving me nuts.
I know 2 families who have lost an income during the past six months:
Family A
Two adults, one pre-schooler. Pre-layoff income in the six-figures, with no debt whatsoever (including cars and mortgage), according to Mrs. A. She works part-time and sends her child to a private school from 8:30 to 5:00 every day, and employs a cleaning service. When Mr. A was laid off, he received 6 months in severance pay as well as 6 months of benefits. Mrs. A. has declined to increase her hours at work.Family B
Two adults, two kindergartners, one toddler. Pre-layoff income in the high five figures, with a mortgage. For 18 months Mrs. B was a stay-at-home mom before resuming full-time work as a journalist. Shortly after her return to the workforce, Mr. B’s employer closed its doors. He received six months of severance without benefits. After 5 months of looking aggressively for a job, Mr. B is still unemployed and is a stay-at-home dad while Mrs. B works full-time, often on weekends.Witnessing the very different ways in which these families have handled their new circumstances has inspired and horrified me. The one who seems to have the most (at least financially) is complaining the most. Mrs. A recently threw an unemployment party for her husband, which was a pot luck because of their “reduced circumstances,” according to the invitation. Family B attended this party, economical but flavorful side dish in hand.
So what’s my point? Aside from wanting to smack Mrs. A every time she complains about her grocery bill at Whole Foods, I would love to see an article about perceived scarcity, or a false sense of scarcity, counting your blessings, or whatever you’d like to call it. I don’t particularly want a kick in the ass, but if you think I need one I’m willing to face that also.
Hmm…I won’t do any kicking today (only because it’s Sunday LOL), but let me dissect this information with a few assumptions:
Family A:
- Hubby laid off (6 months severance w/ benefits)
- Used to earn $100k+
- Wife works PT
- One child
- Private school
- Debt free
Family B
- Hubby laid off (6 months severance w/o benefits)
- Used to earn $85k (??)
- Wife was SAHM, turned FT employee
- Three children (twins (??) plus one)
- Public school (??)
- Mortgage and other (??) debt
The reader paints Mrs. A’s picture like she’s a pampered Stepford wife and Mrs. B’s picture like she deserves some kind of sympathy. In my opinion, neither is fair. I think we should ALL count our blessings - those who earn $30k and eat swine from the local Piggly Wiggly and those who earn $100k and eat organic from Whole Foods. Our perception is based on personal experience, our expectations are based on our accustomed standard of living, and our response to challenges in life is based on learned behavior.
Now allow me to play devil’s advocate and reverse the perception of both families.
DA-Family A: Based on my life TODAY, I can relate to Family A. I’ve made relatively good financial choices, I earn a decent income, and I’m consumer debt free. But if I lost 90% of my income, it would be a difficult (albeit necessary) transition to lower my standard of living. However, if my ex-employer gave me 6 months severance with benefits, I’d cut back on a few things, but I wouldn’t quit every luxury cold turkey either - especially if I thought I could find a new job within that 6 months. Yes I would complain about the changes I had to make, but due to my previous (responsible) financial choices, I could afford to continue some of the luxuries that were important to me - no matter how frivolous they may seem to you.
The only thing I see a little weird about Family A is the unemployment party. Unless you wanted to be fired or about to embark on an entrepreneurial venture, who the fugg celebrates being unemployed? For that alone, Mrs. A gets the Single Ma *side eye*
DA-Family B: Based on my life of YESTER-YEAR, I’d probably share your perception, but it would be towards Family B. Why? Because, back then, I thought an income in the “high five figures” was a lot of money. In addition, because I was a single mom who worked and attended school, I’d wonder why Mrs. B chose to be a SAHM. Daycare too expensive? If so, why did they have another kid? Did they incur other non-mortgage debt to pay for things that were not necessities - many of which I’d managed to live without for YEARS. Then, I’d wonder why Mr. B can’t find a job if he’s searching so ‘aggressively’. Why isn’t he willing to accept just any job to bring money into his household? Even a PT gig? What kind of man makes his wife work full time (”often on weekends”) while he sits at home with the kids all day? Dude needs to man up and get his hands dirty!
To summarize my true thoughts:
Life is about choices and both families made life choices that worked for them - good or bad. If Family A is really debt free, they obviously manage their finances well and will cut back on minor luxuries as they deem necessary. On the other hand, I think Family B appears to be more frugal because they’re accustomed to living on one income - previously by choice.
Always keep in mind, the way you view others is your perception, which is based on YOUR personal experiences. Therefore, if a family complains that times are hard - no matter how much they earn - then times are probably hard - for them. Whether you agree or not, it doesn’t make their personal circumstances any more or less bearable.
Neither you nor I should be ‘horrified’ at their choices or belittle their personal circumstances as ‘perceived’ scarcity. I bet if you laid out YOUR financial situation, you may have quite a few things that others only dream about. I’m sure you’ve complained about the increased cost of groceries, electricity, gas, etc. to your friends. And I bet ya $20 that I know at least 5 people who will listen to you complain, look at your personal circumstances, then say “girl hush!”
Judge not, lest ye be judged. -Matthew 7:1
~*~*~*~*~*~Work to achieve, not to acquire.
And always, BE FABULOUS!
This blog is the story of my life...a single mom who worked her way from nothing to financial freedom. Subscribe here and follow the rest of my journey.
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Our perception is based on personal experience, our expectations are based on our accustomed standard of living, and our response to challenges in life is based on learned behavior.
excellent posting… thanks for the insight…
Right on.
That’s the thing - our perceptions are based on US not them - and you can never know all about the circumstances of another family. When my DH’s income went south, we made lots of changes in our lifestyle, but we didn’t stint on certain areas - because those were and are part of who we are!
Example - we LOVE to have people over the house to socialize, break bread and have a beverage or two. And comparably to the Family A’s party, we changed from providing ALL the steaks, sides & beverages to ask our friends to pitch in - we provide the main course and people bring a bottle of wine and salad/bread/etc. And most were HAPPY to be asked to bring something.
Some might think that’s crass (at that point it’s less a dinner party and more a communal meal), but the community and enjoying time with friends was too important to sacrafice even if we couldn’t live up to our prior ‘generosity.’ Of course that generosity had been financed with BAD DEBT and I’m dealing with that now! And just FYI - the ‘friends’ that resent this reduction in our hosting are the same ones who never reciprocated with invitations, either - strange how that works!
Moving on…it is hard to resist the temptation to judge, thanks for addressing the issue!
Just curious…have you ever hosted an “unemployment” party? [-SM]
I appreciate the message: someone’s perception of their circumstances, while perhaps not reality in absolute terms, is certainly reality in relative terms and should be respected accordingly.
Excellent reminder.
Now if you guys can just explain to me what is this all about-what was the point of this lade’s post, what was she trying to say that relates to this blog. I am not sure, maybe I had too many cocktails last night, explain it to me like I’m a two year old please?
There are tons of family A, B, C, D, whole alphabet and then some if you add alphabets of all the other countries in the world, now what is so special about these two families that we need to sit down and think about them and their good or bad circumstances.
I am lost here.
You’re a mess! You do know that, right? LOL
The purpose of the email was to explain to me how two different families were dealing with similar circumstances. From what I understand, the reader’s perception is that one family has abundance but claim they have nothing. The constant complaints were irritating to the reader because they appeared to be living on the high horse. Therefore, the reader wanted me to write a post about “perceived” scarcity - i.e. when you think you have nothing, but you actually have plenty compared to others. [-SM]
Well put as always SingleMa. I actually have a post going up this week about the same thing. My good friend from college is getting laid off and is much like Family “A”.
Look forward to reading your post this week. [-SM]
EXCELLENT post. i couldn’t agree more w/you Single Ma. IMO, while it can definitely be hard to resist the urge to make judgements, it’s very important to fight that urge and focus on what you can do to be a good friend to the friends/family that you are tempted to judge and to focus on what you can do for yourself to make sure you don’t find your own self in that situation that you judge to be “bad”. to add to the “judge not lest ye be judged” how about “never judge a person until you’ve walked a mile in their shoes”. that’s another one i always try to keep in mind.
Well put, Single Ma. I’d also like to point out the obvious fact that people are not always totally truthful about their salary and your dear reader’s assumptions might just be dead wrong. It’s really hard to guess how much someone makes–also based on your own experiences.
This is so very true. Sometimes we assume people earn more based on their external appearance or their lifestyle. This assumption is based on personal experiences, especially in a comparison like this one. [-SM]
Thanks SM!
I have heard of divorce parties, but unemployment party :-O ?
That is weird to say the least especially if you asking your guests to bring potluck
that just does not add up, like totally defies logic, like an oxymoron kind of situation.
SM, my coctails are wearing off by now, you can tell right?
WRT the unemployment party… I actually think it is a good idea. I firmly believe if you are actively and aggressively seeking employment, it is essential to get the word out to as many people as possible. Networking has ultimately led to MANY job offers.
By hosting an “unemployment party”, it seems that the hosts are saying “Mr A is looking for work and we are leaving the door wide open for talking to each guest about job opportunities that they may know of”. And frankly, if the hosts laid out a big expensive spread, rather than going potluck, the urgency of finding work may not come across to the guests.
IMHO.
B
Interesting reader question and thought-provoking, as always, post! I certainly echo the “judge not” message and the idea that one’s choices, circumstances, and perceptions are always relative. I do want to throw out a point about daycare costs and SAHM/SAHD’s (in full realization that your analysis of Family B was in part tongue-in-cheek/devil’s advocate to the reader question):
Quality day care for 3 kids under 6/7 IS EXPENSIVE (kindergarten may only be 4 hrs and many daycares charge full day rate for over 5 hrs); many employment decisions are made w/ this in mind. In a 2-parent family with significantly unequal incomes, it could make the most economic sense for the lower-earner parent to stay home for a while. Also, an unemployed person may be receiving state benefits that would end if they were to take a low-wage service/retail/manual labor job. If the wages from the “get-by” job were less than unemployment benefits plus the cost of daycare, Dad B is doing the family a favor, at least in the short term. This was certainly a topic of discussion when my husband’s company was laying off - luckily he found a new (better) job before it became a real life issue!
It’s more pychological,
I understand when you lived a “good” life it’s just hard to downgrade, that’s why people tend to touch the credit cards more when income stops- just to keep the lifestyle. Why? no one wants to feel poor
Everyone needs to go to a third world country at least one time in their lives to realize how rich we all are.
“Dude needs to man up and get his hands dirty!” I do agree
I find a trend here, men are becoming more wimpy and women are stepping up more to provide for the family.
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LOL@ Rufina
well explained single Ma
SingleMa - no, we haven’t hosted an umemployment party, and I’m not sure how to take the concept - and as you suggest, I’d hesitate to judge because I’m not in their shoes. However, just last night, we hosted an EMPLOYMENT party! Dh got an honest-to-goodness, salaried 9 to 5 job - almost out of the blue. Huzzah! Love your blog, keep telling us!