When Two is Better Than One
This is a guest post from a fabulous reader whom I admire and respect for many reasons. Read what she and her hubby have agreed to share with us and you’ll understand why:
photo credit: Thirty6Red
When Single Ma contacted me about my statement that there is no “head of household” in our home [in response to this post - SM], I did not think it was a very different approach to married life. But, when I started to think about why this was the case for us, I realized how it relates to our household finances, family management and career aspirations.
My husband and I have been married for over 10 years. From the beginning, we both wanted careers and a family and realized that for both of us to have successful careers where we reached our potential would require some give-and-take, especially with children in the plan. When we married, we were both people used to making decisions in our lives.
Finding the Comfortable Groove
In the beginning, we tried to have one person manage all of the household finances. We quickly found that this resulted in too much pressure and discord. In order to make OUR marriage work, we decided to divide the responsibilities and play to our strengths. Now, each takes the lead on what we do best. I am a frugal person by nature, but my husband has a degree in thrift. I am more interested in different investments and allocation methods than he. So, my husband “does the math” on the day-to-day household finances and I take the lead on managing our investments. We always make sure to keep each other in the loop.
Give-and-Take
- Most things are done with compromise and by consensus. For example: I don’t mind cleaning my house, but I refuse to work 40+ hours and do it all myself. My husband HATES house cleaning, but also acknowledges that it is not fair that I do all the cleaning in addition to working as much as he does. The solution is a weekly cleaning service that is an agreed to family expense.
- Another example was when I was offered a really excellent project that required long hours for about 6 months. Before accepting the assignment, I talked to my husband about what was on his horizon at work. We also discussed what was going on with our son over the same time period. Our conclusion was that I should go for it. My husband agreed to handle most of the childcare and household responsibilities so that I could purse this opportunity.
There have been many examples of this give-and-take over the years, sometimes with me making the “sacrifices.” The result is that both of us have been able to advance our careers (maximizing our earnings) and manage our family as the circumstances required. When “nothing special” is going on at work, we split childcare responsibilities - my husband takes the mornings and I take the evenings.
Why It Works
The reason this works for US is because we value the same things: honesty, hard work, loyalty and freedom of choice. Above all, our family (immediate and extended) comes first. Also, neither one of us are people who have to be in charge all the time. We don’t want what we consider the unnecessary pressure of making all the decisions. But we also know each other so well that when a family decision needs to be made and one us of isn’t around, we do what we think is best. In addition, we respect each other tremendously. My husband always tells me how impressed he is with my solutions to problems and analytical skills. I am impressed with his capacity for acceptance and understanding. I have thrown him some real curve balls over the years and he has handled each one.
Finally, we both know that we are a lifetime partnership of two independent people who love and support each other. It is not easy and takes a lot of work and communication. We both know that we could do fine alone, but we don’t want to do so. We are better and stronger together.
This reader not only has a successful marriage, but she also has a successful/demanding career, earn well over six figures, and has a household net worth bordering $1M. Now do you see why I admire her so much? LOL She gives me hope that I, too, will one day find a “life partner” who will view me as his equal. One that I can learn from, support, and grow with - together.
~*~*~*~*~*~Work to achieve, not to acquire.
And as always, BE FABULOUS!
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I agree wholeheartedly with this post. I am admittedly ferociously independent, yet I understand that there will need to be balance when me and my man choose to get married. Usually two of the same personality types can’t get along but it helps us relate to one another more. This will be the second marriage for the both of us, and in both our prior situations we ran the household (sometimes reluctantly). Running the house and the money is wack and thankless when you expect help from your partner and there is none. Those years were much longer ago for me than they were for him, but he is relieved and ecstatic to now be with someone who will work WITH him to achieve the ideals in “our” perfect portrait of family life. I’m Ms. Own house-own-car-college-degree-big-job and he is a hard-working, railroad-conducting PROVIDER (I put that in caps b/c he takes that title very seriously). I am happy that I met him at this point in my life b/c I am mature enough to stomach compromise and understand the role of a man like him in the home. He appreciates me because I am accomplished (I rejoice EVERYDAY that he is not threatened by my successes), ambitious and willing to go the extra mile for family. I do not think there will be a “head of household” in our home either.
I think that you paint a fabulous *grin* picture of communication, compromise, shared values, and team work. All relationships should have that kind of effort put into them. More of them would be successful that way.
Great guest post!
This was an awesome article, and gives me hope that maybe, just maybe, I will find my true soulmate. I married my boyfriend from high school after being apart for 20 years and I was sure that because we reconnected, bonded, and still fit so well, even after all this time, that we’d be together forever. He pursued me fiercely (crashed my mother’s wedding!), did everything with me (and I mean everything from housework to shopping to going with me to get my nails done) and he was crazy about me and supportive of both my career and my going back to school to get my Masters. (Even though he made less money than me, he even helped me pay for it.) Then, shortly after our daughter was born, I discovered something that ended our marriage and changed my life as I knew it. This was devastating.
Our divorce was just final a few months ago, and I’ve continued to focus on my child. I know that the next time around, if there is one, I won’t settle for anything less than the ultimate partnership. (Like I had before, only with a more honest person!) Life partnerships are possible, if both parties are committed to the relationship, want the same things, have confidence both in themselves and their mate, and are willing to work together. One person absolutely cannot do it alone.
AMEN!!! Love it.. and it definitely GIVES ME HOPE!!!! It’s relationships like this that makes me smile to know they DO still exist.. NOW if we could just clone her husband or have him give a seminar to single men.. *I Keed I Keed* lol I say that about my cousin & her husband who very much like this couple have a “successful marriage” and are “life partners” and both are “successful in their careers”.
Thanks for spotlighting SM..
Nettie.. girl there is hope for us yet!!
Thanks for posting this!! I am single (never married) and this is really an inspiration for me because it illustrates the kind of relationship I want to have with my future husband. I don’t want anyone who tries to control all the decision making but I don’t want to be the one making all the decisions, either! I am a very quiet person and I sometimes worry about becoming one of those women who has NO clue how much money she and her husband have in the bank or what kind of investments they have. I also don’t want to get stuck doing much more than my fair share of chores while working full-time. Just from my experience of living with roommates, it’s very easy to caught in the trap of whoever doesn’t mind cleaning as much or has a lower tolerance for messiness getting stuck doing everything. Glad the poster and her husband see eye-to-eye on this issue!
I think finding someone who shares similiar values regarding finances/work/household is as important than the same religious/political/child-raising beliefs and definitely more important than having all the same interests.
Great post!
This is a nice post. It lets me know that my relationship is on the right track, since we do many of the same things regarding communication, cooperation, and valuing and using each other’s strengths and abilities strategically.
I love this post. It just goes to show, how both can compliment each other. Sounds like us except the 1 million net worth!
I remember a successful woman once told me, if you gonna have a successful career, you better marry a good husband.
Both parties have to contribute
Wonderful!! Women can have it all when they have the right man.
You see, I knew it ! ! I keep telling my friends that I’m waiting for an egilatarian relationship before I consider marriage. They told me “it won’t happen, just hurry up already” I am forwarding this post right now. Thanks for the quest post.
This is great ” we respect each other tremendously”(SM guest).
Thanks so much for sharing your story!
Since we’ve only been married for a year, we’re still working out the relationship. I don’t think you could really pick someone who’s the head of household. I manage a lot, but Micah does too. I do all the cooking on weekends, for instance, and Micah does all the dishes + reheating the food during the week. Approximately the same number of hours. I write shopping lists and Micah’s in charge of shopping (sometimes I come). So far it seems to be working well. But we’re still learning.
I hope that in 10 years we’ll be as well balanced as you!
Nice!! I’m in the same situation although I do not have $1 million dollar networth. I wonder would it be different???
This is a great example. However the 50/50 is difficult to find. I can’t imagine doing the 50/50 with house cleaning.
HMB - There never is a true 50/50. I’m in a very similar relationship to the poster, and it’s a give and take. I hate doing housework, and I work longer hours than my husband, so he often picks up the slack. But before when I could only find part-time work, I also did all the errands and the housework.
What’s key is that true partners don’t keep score on a scale of days or weeks. Our relationship evolved over 7 years, not months, so when you think on the larger scale, it’s easier to pick up the slack for a year or two, knowing that your partner did the same for you a few years ago.
I have a question that relates back to the post that spurred this story - why do single, successful women want to date men that have achieved less than them anyway? My man loves me for my accomplishments and talents, and I love him for his. .
This was a really good post!! I can see why you admire her and why her relationship works. I often tell my friends that I believe marriage is a “partnership” and looks like she has really got it down! I’m taking notes.
@Bridgette: Re: why do single, successful women want to date men that have achieved less than them anyway?
The answer to that question is abstract because perceptions of achievement varies. I mean, my man didn’t go to college but in his previous job he was a highly-respected manager who supervised a large staff. (he’s since changed industries and is starting over) He was the sole source of income and provided a home for his [ex]wife and children. I mean, it’s not white-collar accomplishment but I consider a man who dutifully takes care of his family (because we all know some who don’t) as accomplished.
Quia Q - I agree with you. I think success has more to do with ambition for SOMETHING (plus follow-through) rather than the amount of money you make. And if a man is ambitious, his wife’s success should spur him on, not make him feel like less than a man.
AWESOME!!! Gives me hope.