Birds of a Feather Don’t Have to Flock Together
I read a comment yesterday that made me pause and reflect. The fabulous reader said:
I used to be a very avid reader, but I’ve come to the conclusion that we are in different spots financially so I don’t feel as though I relate to much of what’s said anymore. I’m 29 and single (divorce, actually). Finally moved out on my own (again) about a year ago. I’m still paying off very old debt. My credit is shot because the ex didn’t feel he needed to help make the house payment and, at the time, I was bringing home $1600/mo and our house payment alone was $1100. Needless to say, we were foreclosed on.
The rest of the comment goes on to explain WHY they don’t read my blog [as often] anymore. “We’re so different. We’re not in the same place. I have a bunch of debt. I only earn $xx. Blah, blah, blah…” If you’re interested, the full text of the comment can be found [here].
Why am I highlighting this? Well, for several reasons. I’ve seen similar comments in the past, but I’m not sure if they’re all from the same person. I usually ignore them because I don’t need an announcement if someone doesn’t plan to read my blog anymore - especially when I’ve done nothing wrong. Wait, I don’t need an announcement then either. 9x out of 10, if I’ve said something that made you uncomfortable, I’ll probably say it again. LOL But you are always welcome back. It’s cool. Same goes for this commenter. But I want to openly address the comment, and hopefully, my response will benefit more than one person.
Here are my thoughts for ALL of you:
A BIRD WITH DIFFERENT FEATHERS
You should never avoid someone because they are in a better place than you. In fact, you should gravitate towards people who are BETTER than you. Now I’m not saying *I* am better than any of you, but let me tell you something - knowledge is power and information is priceless. When you associate with others who you “perceive” to be in a different (i.e. better) place, that is prime opportunity to latch on because there is always something you can learn. If you put insecurities aside and hang around long enough, you may become privy to something you wouldn’t have otherwise known and/or feel motivated to improve your circumstances.
Single Ma’s Personal Reflection: Almost all of my employees are more experienced than me. But guess what? That’s the way it should be! Wanna know why? Because they make ME better. Oh, and they make me look good too. LOL Furthermore, I am in the prime of my career. As a result, I gravitate towards people who have been where I am today. People who can pave the way to make my journey easier. People who can guide me through a rough period. People who will help me avoid costly mistakes. Many of my trusted colleagues are in higher positions and earn at least $20k+ more. They’re in a “different” place than me, but I rely on them to make sure I am continuously improving.
NEW WINGS
When you’re going through the “butterfly” phase - this is when you’re trying to shed the old to bring in the new, then spread your wings to show off your fabulosity - in any area of your life, it’s better to avoid people who are exactly like you. Before any of you start typing a comment to disagree, let me explain. I’m sure you’ve heard the saying “misery loves company” and we already know it to be true. So if you’re trying to improve your circumstances, why break bread with others who are in the same predicament? Unless you want to throw a pity party, it’s counterproductive.
Single Ma’s Personal Reflection: All of my friends are smarter or better than me in some area of life. For example, I live a semi-sedentary lifestyle and I need to lose weight. Subconsciously, I gravitate towards people who exercise and eat healthy. In fact, one of my newest friends is a certified Jazzercise instructor. Not only is she healthy and active, but this chic has more energy than the Energizer Bunny. LOL I can’t keep up, but she influences me daily. Another fat person will have me at McDonald’s eating a heart attack burger with an extra large order of diabetes.
AFRAID TO FLY
To address a latter part of the comment:
You once adviced that I should move to a place where I can get a better job. In a perfect world, I would do that. I would love to do that. But all personal factors involved, it isn’t a reality.
First, Single Ma doesn’t give “advice.” When asked a question, I only share what *I* would do if I were in a similar situation. So I’ll just say this. A 29 year old, divorced, and (I assume) no children. Hmm…if I had a bullshyt stick, I’d throw it at you. There’s no such thing as a “perfect world” and it doesn’t have to be. Regardless of “personal factors,” if you want to improve your circumstances, you would challenge all odds and do whatever is necessary to make changes in your life. YOU create the life you want, not circumstances. However, if you CHOOSE to limit yourself, then that is YOUR decision and you should stop complaining.
Single Ma’s Personal Reflection: Now I don’t want anyone to read this and think I’m insensitive. I write and speak from experience. When I moved for a better job (the 1st time), I was a single parent with a 9 year old and a dog, no child support, no support system, no friends, closest family member over 400 miles away, and a starting salary that barely covered my basic necessities every month. However, I was able to see the big picture and began creating the life that I envisioned for my family. In MY opinion, financial independence and a comfortable lifestyle are THE most important “personal factors” and nothing, I mean NOTHING (short of a debilitating illness of course), should get in the way.
FAMILIAR WATERING HOLE
If there is someone in your life who makes you comfortable with your circumstances because they are also in debt, or they are also divorced, or they are also struggling to pay their mortgage, or they can “relate” to the struggle of living paycheck to paycheck - BUT they aren’t doing anything to improve their situation - cut ‘em off. I mean it. Snip, snip - effective immediately! When the blind leads the blind, the odds of running into a brick wall is not a bet against the wall.
Single Ma’s Personal Reflection: I have no desire to associate with people (like me) who think losing weight is too hard. I have no desire to associate with people (like me) who are in the midst of career development. These people can “relate” to where I am - sure - but they can’t help me become a better ME.
FIND A NEW FLOCK
You want to find others who are doing bigger and better things. Surround yourself with people who are where you aspire to be. You won’t miss the old flock. I promise. Debt freedom feels so fabulous, you’ll need the extra room to spread your new wings anyway. 
Work to achieve, not to acquire.
And always, BE FABULOUS!
This blog is the story of my financial life as a single mom. Subscribe via (feed reader) or (email) to follow the rest of my fabulous journey.
Very eloquently put.. You want people in your circle that COMPLIMENT you. Just like in any relationship, you find others that are stronger in your weaker areas.. Hmmph why you think you and DH are my girls.. LOL we all share things in COMMON plus have SIMILAR GOALS both personal and professional AND we have all achieved something the other hasn’t!!!! hahahaaaa Now we need a fourth to make our SATC life complete..
Ok Ok.. enough of me rambling.. I feel you though.. I hope this reader and anyone else realizes that EACH person is in their lives for a reason, season or lifetime and it definitely helps to have someone who has BEEN THERE already and you can trace their steps to help you get out of the captivity mindset.
Even though I tell myself on a regular I am glad I read this today. I hope “that” reader understands the message also. It is so EASY to say all the things you wish you could do. Wishing is for fairies I always say.
I tell myself on a regular basis (do better). I teach my children that as well. No matter what you are doing…you can always strive to do it better.
I don’t comment often but i felt compeled to do so today.
Love the new look too!
I began reading your blog about a month or so ago and i feel encouraged that one day i will have financial freedom as you do. I am a 35yr young single parent to three children 16-12-11 and also get NO support whatsoever from their sp. donor and i do not qualify for any state services (i say that with the happiness of breaking a generational dependency issue)). 19 months ago i packed a donated vehicle up with all that it would fit and moved us all to another state not knowing what the future would hold there. Left all my support system and backup plans too. We are doing much better now financially and all around. So in reading that a SINGLE no kids person cant see the way, makes me feel stronger….
You keep doing you Single Ma. You are an absolute encouragement to me and I APPRECIATE the fact that you are in a different place then me. Otherwise, how would i know where to aim?
CHUUURCH!!! Nuff Said Single Ma.
Be Blessed
I LOVE this post, thanks for writing it! Ever since I went back to school, I noticed that some friends receive little of my time because they are where I used to be and no longer desire. Singma, here is something you proably didn’t realize or maybe forgot to mention to you…ever since I found your blog, I made you my world wide web, finace blogger BFF…because I am learning from your journey, and will be there(where you are) soon.
your funny, “heart attack burger with an extra large order of diabetes”(SM).
-me
Couldn’t agree more. In college I had a very inspirational speaker come in and tell us that you either soar with the eagles or flock with the turkeys. I’ve tried to follow that advice and that translates to why I read your blog. You’re my eagle single ma, and hopefully someday I will be able to soar as high as you
Amen.
I read your blog because it makes me better.
Thanks.
I LOVED this post. And love your blog.
I am an amateur photographer and do I spend my time reading the blogs of other amateurs? NO. I spend my time looking at blogs of some of the best in the country.
To be big league, you have to act big league.
People in debt must not buy tires.
I agree completely.
I too am not in the financial position that I would hope to be in, but I’m trying. I am a military spouse (I know I’ve said it before), but that in itself is very limiting. My husband is an enlisted soldier, and though I can encourage him to stive towards something better (officer = better pay), that decision is ultimately up to him. My family is generally dependent upon my husband’s salary. That being said, I complement my husband in that I am in charge of the family’s finances. I have based our lifestyle off of his income, so that in the event we move (and I can’t find employment), we can eat and have a roof over our heads. Luckily, I am employed, and my income is used to help us attain our financial (savings and debt repayment) goals and have extras.
To the poster, I can identify that it is scary to step out there on faith, but you have to. There are an abundance of excuses as to why you can’t improve your situation, but you can and will. As a military spouse, even though I have a college degree and 9 years experience in a field, I found myself unable to obtain employment. Our current duty station is an area where salaries are much lower than what I’m accustomed to, and I found myself depressed. I made the decision at that point, to search for a job outside of my field (comfort zone) to increase my earning potential. I accepted an entry level job making $35,000 (to get my foot in the door). After proving myself, at 90 days, I went to management and asked for a raise. I now make $43,000 (no where near what I am accustomed to making, but about what I’d be making in my field with my experience for this location). I asked my manager for an agreement to reevaluate my salary again 6 months from our discussion, and I expect to go up from here. This new field is totally new to me, but it has tremendous growth opportunity (where as my previous field didn’t). The most important thing for me (being a mil spouse) is finding skills that are easily transportable, so that I don’t have to go back to the entry level place that may of us spouses find ourselves in.
I say all that to say this…we are in control of our circumstances. We cannot control those around us, but we can dictate OUR future. I read FF because SM is the perfect combination of wealth, wits, practicality and has the ability to inspire. I do not profess that my ledger is as fabulous as SM, but our experiences, life and goals are different as well. All I can do is the best I can for ME, as you should do for you!
Be Inspired!
Count me in as one who loved this post. Although I can understand where your reader was coming from, your response was on target. Insecurities often hold people back from making tough decisions.
Single Ma,
Do you, this is your blog…….I’ll keep reading…….damn them na sayers……..I don’t like misery, so I stay away from miserable people………
AMEN!!! I could not have stated this better myself.
I’m passing this post on to a few people.
HI! I am a single mom and I make about $15,000 a year. I like reading you blog even though we are in such different places. You inspire me.
Also i am also trying to lose weight (I am fat) and I would not take you to McDonalds, but would love to take a walk with you or better a bike ride. I have lost 5 lbs and aam so excited. I am working really hard exercising with a trainer (a woman from my church who is giving me a greatly reduced weight as I could not afford a trainer otherwise.) I have never exercised in my life so this is a big deal for me.
So anyway thanks for your blog. I love to see how the other side lives. I would love to get to the day that I can shop like you. -Becky
Lawdymercy, Becky, your comment made me LAUGH OUT LOUD. LOL @ “I am fat and I would not take you to McDonalds.” HA HA HA HA HA
I didn’t mean it literally, but your experience proves my point. You are associating yourself with someone (better than you) who can help you spread your wings. You’ve loss 5 lbs (and counting)…go girl! A person who doesn’t exercise can only “relate” to your challenges, but they can’t provide useful personal trainer assistance to help you overcome them.
Congrats again and good luck with the rest of your goals! When it comes to weight loss, there aint a damn thing I can do for you in that area, so don’t listen to me. LOL! [-SM]
Ps I can’t spell apparantly, she (my trainer) is giving me a reduced rate and weight-lol
When asked the secret to his achievements, Arthur Ashe said the following:
“Start where you are. Use what you have. Do what you can.”
SingleMa - I know i’ve said this a zillion times before and i’ll say it a zillion times again, you truly are a wonderful inspiration! Reading your blog and seeing where you came from and where you are now is absolutely amazing. I’ve read through your posts and saw where you came from - you never beeatched and did nothing - you had a plan, stuck with it and now look at ya! Reading your blog makes me realize that I, a single white girl from the ghetto, can achieve similar success - I can put myself through school, the accompanying debt, score an amazing career and eventually have a huge net worth.
MC
Lawd, y’all are cracking me up in the comments today! LOL @ “I, a single white girl from the ghetto, can achieve similar success…” HA HA HA
Wait…I didn’t know white people lived in the ghetto? You for real? LOL!!
I kid, I kid. But yes honey, you too can have an amazing career and huge net worth - not that I have either. LOL I’m a work in progress. What you all see on the blog is the RESULT of my journey. Many people are not willing to walk a mile in my shoes or overcome similar obstacles. It’s not easy, but if you want it bad enough, you have to make a choice and be willing to roll with the punches. [-SM]
That was such a good post. The comments make me wonder if that reader was ever really READING your blog. Your journey is so important and impressive. You can’t get anywhere if everything you surround yourself with is in the same place as you!
Hey Single Ma,
I’m a frequent reader of your blog, though I’ve only begun to comment recently. I think this is a really important post, and I hope that the person whose comment inspired it will be open to the wisdom of what you’ve offered. From my own experience, it can be difficult to hear challenges like this one, but it’s important to do it. I really agree with what you’ve said about needing people in our lives who can show us how to live the way we want to live. It can be really humbling to face our insecurities and admit that perhaps we *can* change the way we live. Brenda’s comment about stepping out on faith is right on, and as a mentor of mine likes to remind me, “faith without works is dead.”
Your example, SM, is that faith + works = vibrant life. Believing and working hard can bring about radical change. Yup. Church indeed.
SM,
As usual this is another superb blog from you! When I was reading the comment from Jes I almost did a double take. That is pretty much me. I am 27, newly divorced and dealing with debt that my ex incurred, not to mention all the emotional damage I let him beat me down with. I’m not gonna lie, I struggle. But I take it one step at a time and I’m doing what I can to improve my life. I focus on the positive and count my blessings. It’s all in your mindset. Part of maintaining a positive mindset is, as you wrote, to surround yourself with good people. I surround myself with people that lift me up, that encourage me to reach for the stars and expect nothing but the best. Even though you and I have never met, your blog uplifts me on an almost daily basis. I glean so much insight and knowledge from your blog and there’s no way I would EVER stop reading just because you and i have (seemingly) very little in common. Just because you are making six figures and I’m not doesn’t mean we can’t relate to eachother. As the original fabulous woman herself, Maya Angelou, said, “We are more unlike than we are unlike.”
I agree with this totally. I read your posts because it make me want to try harder.
On the other hand, don’t throw that bullshyt stick just yet. There may be more to the story. I turned down a job offer 4 hours away, paying $10-12,000 more than I currently make and in a cheaper city. Why? My family. Right now they need me more than I need the extra money. I had friends that gave me the crazy look when I mentioned it, but I did what was best for everyone and not just me. Cut her some slack. She’s not ready for the message right now, but one day she will be. She’s probably reading this post.
You are too much girl LMAO - love it love it !
anyway..the funny thing is I always think the same thing ..that im not where you are but i read your blog because i want to be where you are - it reminds me everyday that i read your blog ( yes girl everyday ) that I can make it there - i say if single ma did it so can I ..so i find it odd that that reader wouldnt want to read cause yall arent in the same place..
I agree with everything you said to the reader. I have some friends who say it’s hard to talk to and learn from people that are in better places than them because those people look down at them.
Me on the other hand…I have friends below me, with me, and above me. They all bring something different to the table. But bottom line…I gotta do what’s best for ME.
P.S. I love the new website look…but I do miss that avatar you had up there. Any way you could bring her back? LOL.
SM: I especially loved your blog today. So many times I see people, especially women, make excuses. I love your journey because you have had many of the same struggles as I have and now we are overcoming them in a very big way….and you are so funny!
Readers are probably thinking, “okay, what has this chick who is writing this done?” Here’s my run-down.
1. Dropped out of high school between 11th and 12th grade - ran off with a guy. Go figure?? I was living in a foster home at the time because my parents physically abused me for years. I was 17.
2. Ended up leaving him a year later. Couldn’t get work, became a topless dancer in order to eat…yep, EXOTIC dancer.
3. Did wayyy too many drugs - mainlined meth. Ended up all f*ck*d up.
4. Made a big break - went in the Army - 1983 - at 20 years old.
5. Married a guy. He was emotionally and psychologically abusive. We had 2 girls.
6. While married, raised 2 kids basically alone because he was gone a lot. During these years, managed to get my Associates Degree, but it took me 7 years to do so - got AA in 1990
7. Kept working with all the military moves and deployments - worked menial jobs. Got my bachelor’s degree in another 10 years - for a total of 17 years in the making. I didn’t use one penny that my husband earned to pay for my degree. I had no school debt during this time and ended with no school debt whatsoever. BS degree obtained December 2000.
8. Got a job in my new field at $31,680 a year. Divorced this guy 5 years later…making $47,844 a year at that moment. Changed jobs a couple of times after that - always moving up.
9. Got a big raise at a new company. Left the state I was in. Threw the youngest daughter (the oldest was grown and gone by this time), loaded everything I had into the biggest U-Haul with the largest trailer I could find, threw in the 3 cats, and drove 1000 miles to where I live now. I have no family here.
10. Got completely out of debt from my marriage just this past January 2008. Yes, I had to pay his bills because they were “ours” while we were married. I took me about 2.5 years to pay this stuff off. Cut up credit cards Xmas Day, 2007. Don’t miss them at all…
11. I am still debt free, except the house that I just purchased a few weeks ago. I have $28,000 in my emergency fund. I make $96,600 a year.
It can be done, even if you are a high school drop out, drug addicted, topless dancer.
Well, that’s my 2 cents anyway.
I love this. Thank you so much for sharing your story. Talk about inspiration. Wow!
If you don’t mind me asking, what was YOUR motivation? [-SM]
Let me first say, that I have only ever commented under my own name.
I don’t even know what to say because I feel like a war has started and it has been concluded that I’m making excuses and that is not at all what I’m trying to do. My point was that I don’t feel some of the advice given pertains to me in my current situation. Advice about how you got there would.
Let me say this again, I don’t give advice. However, I do write about where I’ve been AND where I’m going all the time. What blog have YOU been reading? [-SM]
For instance, say, hypothetically, you want to keep your grocery bill down. I suggest trying coupons or going to stores like Aldi or Sav-A-Lot. You say that coupons are too much work and traveling to more than one store is just too much. That’s ok for you because you are in a financial position where you don’t have to be quite so selective. I am not. I even resort to buying the cheapest of cheap make-up and Shampoo and conditioner that doesn’t leave my hair soft and manageable enough to even get a comb through. That is what I am saying. But I’m ok with this at this time.
This part of your comment makes me wonder if you even read my blog at all. Honey, I buy my suits from Ross Dress for Less and shoes on Amazon! Give me $100 and I’ll come back with so many bags, you’ll think I stole something! I’m a hustler, a negotiator, and probably one of the biggest bargain hunters you will ever meet.
I can only tell you what *I* would do in a situation. If I say it, it’s because I’ve done it and can confirm that it works. I don’t give advice, but even if I were a paid professional, I’d never advise something that I wouldn’t do or haven’t tried myself.
For the record, I’m not a die-hard coupon clipper, but I do use coupons. If there were an Aldi or Save-A-Lot in my city, I’d be there every Saturday morning. Due to location, my only choices are Giant, Trader Joe’s, Whole Foods, and small specialty stores. I don’t travel to more than one store or outside of my zip code when grocery shopping because the cost of gas outweighs the savings.
Personally, if I couldn’t afford decent makeup, I just wouldn’t wear it at all. I do without certain things in order to have the best in what *I* value. I wouldn’t skimp on hair products because a healthy head of hair is important to ME. But guess what? I don’t have a house phone OR cable OR an iPod OR text msg/ring tones on my cell OR a fancy car OR…I could go on and on. It has nothing to do with my financial position to be selective, it’s about CHOICES that make sense to me. [-SM]
I’m not trying to make excuses or complain. I have come a long way and I am a heck of a lot better off than I was 5 years ago or even year ago. So I don’t feel bad at all about my stance. I’m just not finding the insight that I need here (that’s not to say that I don’t read your blog or skim it). I have taken most of the steps that you suggest in this post already. I work with educators daily and I am surrounded by their wisdom and I turn to them for guidance.
You don’t find the insight that you need here, but you have already taken most of the steps I’ve suggested in this post. Hmm…ok. At any rate, I am happy to hear you are improving and have someone you can rely on for guidance. [-SM]
I really didn’t want to divulge my mother’s disease that I referred to as “personal factors”, but that is what keeps me here where I am. I am her only child and I couldn’t for any reason leave her in this condition alone. I don’t use it as a crutch or an excuse. She’s my mother. I am here because she is here and getting the care she needs here.
I’m very sorry to hear about your mother and I empathize with your situation. This is exactly why I don’t give “advice.” Personal finance is very simple, yet very complex. You can’t ask someone for advice on how to deal with a situation without telling them the entire story. A novice may make a recommendation with good intentions, but the solution may not be what you need. Now that I know a few more details of your situation, I wouldn’t move either. Again, this is not advice, it is what *I* would do if I were in a similar situation. However, the additional details do not change my thoughts about challenging the odds to create a better life for yourself.
I suppose that is all I really have to say. I’m not trying to make excuses. I’m trying to sort through it all and make the right choices so I can move up and forward. And I seek the guidance to help me do that.
I hope your situation continues to improve. And despite what you may think, just because my salary is higher, it doesn’t make me all that different. You could “relate” to me if you tried.
Thanks for sharing your story.
The quality of posters to this blog are a true reflection of Single Ma’s level of achievment. She definitely draws a good crowd. Excellent post!!
Special kudos to Edie @ 12:23pm
I don’t mean to revisit this again. I say that I don’t mean to complain or whine or even give excuses. I really don’t. I mean only to state my current situation and say, “Given my situation, do you have any advice for me at this point in my life?” That was really what I was searching for. Not to whine, complain or make excuses.
Actually, it is great fun to hang with people who are like you, not just because they have the same problem but also like you because they are trying to solve the problem. So a fat friend may take you to McDonald’s, but a fat friend who is trying to lose weight will share little hints she is finding on how to make weight loss easier.
I’m thinking the little hints you are finding are not as relevant to your commenter as when you were both working to be out of debt, so it’s not quite so fun.
Me, I’m so far from where you are in your career that I will never get that far, and worse yet, I don’t even care! Working for the state, some of the rules I live with are different from yours: there is a lot less room for negotiating. And staying here because of my pension means I’m not even looking at my options. Can you say loser? I can!
I still love reading your blog, though, because it’s fun watching you kick butt, and I may learn some skills from you yet! I’ve already learned that if I’m in a position where I do not want to take no for an answer the first time, I should continue not taking no for an answer at least several more times after that, for example!
I agree with the general message of this entry, however, and always try to surround myself with people who are smarter and more fun than I am. Sometimes I feel like a social parasite. But then if my friends threw parties and no one ever came, that would be sad, too.
Amazing post as always. What would possess someone to write the author of a blog to tell them something like that? You are my inspiration! I may not have a what you have but I struggle to get my ish in order. You were the jump off to many PF blogs that I read. I want too have goals that I know that can be attainable with some guidance from those who are in the same boat. It sounds to me that this person is envious of your fabulous life. The word for 2008 is Change. If you don’t like your way of life, then make the necessary changes. Don’t point your finger at no one but yourself. Thank you for being honest and forthcoming of your success and failures on your PF journey. I like to throw the bullshyt stick at her myself!!
Everything you’ve said is the truth. While I sympathize with the commenter (it really is a tough situation to be in), I think that you have provided some words of wisdom. Very well said.
Wow, having heard from Jess makes a real difference to me. It doesn’t make a difference to me. My thoughts are still the same. We all have struggles that need to be overcome. [-SM] I have to say, I get it, because for certain kinds of skills or capacities, or in certain kinds of tough situations, the day-to-day experience and challenges can be really demoralizing. Though I’ve made strides in certain areas of my life– i.e. money management, education, self-esteem–I still struggle with certain others–i.e. time management, organization. I would love to know EXACTLY WHAT people who are well organized, and ahead of the game timewise do, (they probably don’t read/comment on blogs, ha!)and EXACTLY HOW they do it. But I think the trick is to do what you know to do, to seek and **accept** help when you don’t. And to be honest with yourself about what is working for you and what is not.
It may be that the FF column is simply not as useful to Jess now because the kinds of topics you’re addressing are not as relevant to her struggles where she is. I’ve asked my readers for topic suggestions and I will try to address each and every one of them. If she THINKS she can’t relate, that’s her own self imposing limitations. [-SM] That’s no knock on the value of the column in general, or to me personally; everything ain’t for everybody. (Plus the older posts may be very useful still.) But it’s like this–if I want to be a real estate investor, but know absolutely nothing about it, I don’t need to talk to Donald Trump See, that’s where we differ, and your comment helps me understand the different mindset. If *I* wanted to learn about real estate investing and were given the opportunity to speak with Donald Trump, I’d be wide-eyed and busy-tailed with pen and paper sitting front and center! I ONLY want to learn from the BEST! [-SM] (just a well-known example–you get the point). I just need to start out by reading some books or going to real estate school or something. Trump might even tell me some things that wouldn’t make sense to me until much later in my career. If it doesn’t make sense, ask questions! Anyone who has achieved a level of success and they are willing to share their knowledge, they LOVE for amateurs to ask questions. [-SM] I think the advice to have people around who have already climbed higher is excellent, but I also think that it can be ego to want to talk to the “top person” all the time, if we’re not yet at a place to be able to use their advice. I’ve never been given advice that I couldn’t use. Even if it doesn’t apply RIGHT NOW, I can always store it away for later. I do what works for me and I choose to connect with those who have already been where I am - whether they are at the top or on their way. Why struggle or try to figure it out on your own when you don’t have to? You call it “ego,” I call it politicking. But if that is your opinion, by all means keep thinking that while you’re “reading some books or going to school or something.” [-SM]
EXCELLENT post/response. Gave me a lot of food for thought. I’m not in the same place you are either. I look at your totals at the end of the month and salivate. But one day I will get there. I am TRULY inspired by what you’ve accomplished. That keeps me coming back.
I’m not a long time reader (and will have to find time to go through the archives at some point and get more of the backstory) but it’s not hard to see that it took a LOT of hard work to get where you are now. I also can imagine the the struggles you’ve had along the way and getting through those times made you as fabulous as you are today.
I’m at a time in my life where I’m growing and changing for the better. Finance is one part of my life that makes me uneasy but reading blogs like this one and Debt Hater show me that I can work through the discomfort. Why would I want to read someone’s blog that is constantly going on about how bad their finances are and how hopeless they feel? Eventually, that negativity gets into your spirit. Who needs that?
Stay fabulous girl. It’s obvious your readers love ya!
I hope Babygirl is doing ok.
Yeah, hearing from Jess made a difference–I think there was some judging of her for not moving earlier in the comments, which is sad. We never know until we’re in someone else’s shoes… There was no “judging” at all. I fault the person who asks for “advice” without giving all the details, then shun the response because the person can’t “relate.” As mentioned in response to the add’l information, I wouldn’t move either, but my other comments stand. [-SM]
Your blog is the first one I read every day, SM, for exactly the topic of this post. I read ’cause I am inspired by your story. I do find myself looking in the archives every now and then to read about when you were about the same place as I am currently (financially). It’s nice/encouraging to see that you have come so far in such a short time! I strive to make it professionally to a place similar to yours (a continual increase in salary and position, great benefits, pretty much pick of the litter as far as jobs go, etc.), but sometimes it’s really hard to see my own path to that point, as I haven’t even found a career I like yet. I will succeed in getting what I want–I always do–but the steps to get there are pretty elusive to me right now. God will show me eventually…He always does. That said, I think your success is difficult to replicate, given individual situations, such as Jess’. It’s a fine line–don’t compare yourself to others so much that you get discouraged, but do compare enough that you are motivated.
Exact results can NEVER be replicated if the situation isn’t EXACTLY the same. They call it PERSONAL finance for a reason.
“It’s a fine line–don’t compare yourself to others so much that you get discouraged, but do compare enough that you are motivated.” I love that quote! [-SM]
Keep writing, I’ll keep reading.
Thanks for responding, SM! I’ve never been “in the thick” of one of the dialogues on this blog, and I like it! Yes, like Sense, I do think there’s been some judging of Jess. I get what you mean in terms of asking for advice and then shunning it–that’s what I meant when I said earlier that it’s important to ask for help, and then accept it! I disagree, she should not accept the advice if it was not helpful to her. However, in order for the advice to be helpful, she should provide all relevant details. [-SM] I also appreciate the difference in our approaches, but want to clarify–I do think one can always learn from anyone–period. And I agree with you–if advice is not useful now, it can be stored away for later. But what I said, is–if I know **nothing** about real estate, I don’t **need** to talk to Donald Trump. Even if I knew *nothing* and was given an opportunity to speak with him, I’d still take advantage of it. [-SM] I completely agree with you that talking to Donald Trump could be fantastic and mindblowing, and an incredibly useful opportunity for anyone. Taking notes for sure. But what I said is, I don’t **need** to talk to him as a beginner, because the kinds of things I need to learn are basic enough that I could learn them from reading books, going to school, etc. I hear you. I don’t *need* to talk to anyone, but I prefer to seek out those who can help. [-SM]
I do think that most successful people like to be asked questions, and like to help up-and-comers. We all know this isn’t always true, but it often is. I said those who are willing to share their knowledge love questions. If they want to help, they will. [-SM] Nevertheless, the kinds of challenges we face when we’re just getting started doing something new can be handled by lots of different kinds of people, not just the top person and I think it’s important for us to have the humility to learn from anyone who has wisdom to offer us. I agree. One should not walk away from anyone who can help them just because they can’t “relate” to their level. I think you’re getting so caught up in the discussion that you’re proving my point for me.[-SM] Moreover, the demand for the top guy–let’s just stay with Trump for now–is really major. So this is what I mean by “ego” Ego of the top guy or ego of the person who seeks guidance from those above them? [-SM]: if I wait only to talk to the best What? You’ve completely lost me. What are you “waiting” for? Why do you have to wait? I said “if given the opportunity” so I assume the chance to speak with the person is readily available., when in all honesty his VP–or hell, his sales associate– would have done quite nicely for the kind of learning curve I have as a newbie, I postpone my access to great lessons and wisdom that fit my need as a novice in this moment, in order to satisfy my psychological need (ego) to talk only to the best. Where did I say anyone “below” the top guy will not do? Again, I said “if given the opportunity.” Seeking assistance from those who are better than you and “demanding the top guy” is pushing the button on semantics. You’re going off on a tangent and losing context with the original post, so I’ll just say this. MY mission in career and life is to glean information from those who are better than ME. That person can be at the top, a subject matter expert, or on their way. I don’t care as long as they are better/more competent than ME. The best is a movable category, and what is “best” for me as a beginner isn’t necessarily “best” for someone else as an advanced player.
Great Post Single Ma! I’m glad you addressed it. I’m 29, single, no kids too and no where near on your level. So I can understand why the reader may have felt he/she couldn’t relate to where you are. But I love to read your blog and I take the meat and spit out the bones. I use what can be applied to my current situation. Because of it, I paid off $4K of credit card debt, learned how to pick out new tires and much more. And as I continue to grow and learn, more and more of your knowledge will apply.
I want to clarify once and for all. I’m not saying Jess did not accept the “advice.” She doesn’t have to and she shouldn’t. Moving is not a viable option. Completely understandable given the circumstances. After she provided additional information about her situation, it makes sense to me and I wouldn’t have taken the advice either, which I’ve stated at least 2x already. This comment makes THREE. The point is, she asked for “advice” and didn’t provide all the necessary details, so the response was not helpful. This is the fault of the person asking for advice, not the person giving it - AND - this is a prime example of why I don’t give advice. I only state what *I* would do in a similar situation.
Regardless of the new information that has been shared by Jess, my comments and the intent of this post still remain. Just because a person is in a “different” place, doesn’t mean you can’t learn from them. In fact, when a person is doing what you perceive to be better, that is when you learn the most. Birds of a feather don’t have to flock together.
I honestly didn’t mean to cause such an uproar. You asked about the readers:
“I want to know more about YOU. Call me nosy if that’s what you prefer (I won’t deny it LOL), but I want to know who reads my blog so I can better connect with my audience. It will also give me quick writing ideas when I’m in a blogging funk and allow me to bring you more useful information.”
And that was what I responded to. I gave my scenario in hopes that you might be able to provide insight that I might find directly relates to my current situation. Obviously, I continue to visit your site. I came here today not knowing that my post would be put on public display. If you felt that I was in any way saying that I don’t like what you write or your blog, that is not what I meant at all. (I particularly enjoy your humor.)
Forgive me for not giving full and adequate detail. I’m not a writer. I don’t blog. I don’t communicate well (a work in progress – I’m even attending a workshop pertaining to interpersonal skills) so I tend to leave out details that I don’t realize are pertinent. I’m obviously looking for answers to ways to better myself and my situation.
Please don’t think you caused an uproar. Your comment made me reflect on my past and this entire post helped other fabulous readers. Besides, you gave me good writing material after a week of spitting out BS. LOL
I’m always open to writing ideas and suggestions from my readers, so feel free to submit them at any time. I do want to know what YOU want to read and I’ll try to use your suggestions - can’t promise, but I’ll try.
The true intent of THIS post was to address your “I can’t relate” comment. I hope I’ve convinced you to seek others who are no longer at your level but have been there. In my experience, that is when I’ve had the most amazing growth.
As for the details you provided, my only concern is that a person can not help you if they don’t understand the full spectrum of your situation. Otherwise, you will become frustrated and unable to “relate.” But don’t shut down or shut them out, pick apart what DOES apply to your situation and use it when/where you think it’s appropriate.
By the way, you are always welcome and I hope you continue reading/contributing to FF. Just be more open minded and stop thinking you can’t relate. I’m only one person and what I choose to do in my life can’t apply to everybody. Cherry pick what you need and store the rest for a later time. [-SM]
Dang, SM–debating you is like debating my sisters! Just wearing mugs down! Anyway, this is where I think the limits of a blog and comments show themselves. I’d rather talk than write any day. Nevertheless, I get you and I got you. I’m glad you understood the earlier part of my post, even if you thought the latter part was confusing. I appreciate YOU, and am glad I got to hear you (even) more fully.
Girl, I luv ya like a play cuzzin! Don’t mind me. I’m paid to pick apart a person’s argument to better defend my own.
[-SM]
love this!!! so true!!! put your insecurities aside and be INSPIRED not ENVIOUS of those that have what you want!!! thank you for writing this today!!!
I just want to comment to let you know I read your blog religiously. Your achievements inspire me to achieve on my own and reach my goals. I’m not as successful as you are - well atleast not yet, but I believe I soon will be. Your tips, blogs, and just about everything you write help me go for the gold! Thanks!
glad I made you laugh
I love your blog and we have very little in common. I may be in a very different spot than you, but I still agree with almost everything you say!
(The only thing I think I ever disagreed with is that I do hope to pay for my baby’s education. . . but who knows how I’ll feel in 18 yrs when it’s time :))
Anyway, this blog is in my top 5. Thank you so much for sharing!
Ditto what happygirl and Lashawn said! Great advice!
It’s simple - in the blogosphere, we write about everything or nothing, but always from a certain point of view. So for those who visit, perhaps the guideline is “take what you like and leave the rest.”
I love your blog - visit it every day!
After reading all the debates, it seems to me that Jess is wanting attention. Why comment so much? My issue is that if you don’t like a blog, why go on and tell the author that you are leaving. SM has enough readers that missing one is not a hardship. This is not for entertainment, but a source of inspiration and knowledge. Here is my story: I am single, 36, divorced,no kids, live in a studio apt. I have claimed bankruptcy twice with two men in my life. But I pulled myself out of my pity party to amass monies in various ways and places. It can be done! SM is one of those beacons that suggest ways on how to save and bake your own cake. I have even thought of some personal goals that I want to accomplish in the near future: have at least $5000 in emergency funds, look into a new job, possible have a side hustle, and move into a bigger place next year. All because I read PF blogs from people who are living it like me and wanting a better future for themselves.
Miss Jess, I know that it seems like everyone else is doing better than you but they are working on improving themselves everyday. Stop,look, listen and learn!!! Don’t shoot the messenger cause you don’t like the message.
SM, you are FABULOUS. Keep doing you and never dull your shine for anybody. Babygirl is lucky to have a mother who is teaching her how to be financially sound. I will be reading and taking notes, LOL!!
PEACE
All the roads lead to Rome here
I noticed that most of the women who got burned financially and emotionally once or twice before had same thing in common-men in their lives that were unworthy of them.
Ma, maybe we can discuss at some point how to protect yourself from getting into debt if you are in the relationship (that is not difficult) or marriage(that is much more difficult as you share credit history besides sharing a bathroom).
My baby daddy (incert sarcasm here as she is now 15), was a gambler and living in NY , not too far from Atlantic City, you understand my pain. My minimum wage of $4.00 per hour was being blown at the Black Jack table along with his limo driver salary. When I finally kicked him out, this sperm donor had the audacity to ask for $10K equity money on the apartment we were living in at the time, or he would not transfer stock certificate to my name and me and my 18 month old daughter would loose our home. And this $10K that we had put in originally was partially my money as well, I funded at least half of it, scrimping and saving.
Had to come up with the money on my miserable salary, borrowed, paid it off and had to go on public assistance in order to finish my Bachelor’s degree at night, after taking care of kid during the day. Oh, sperm donor was ordered to pay child support in the amount of …..wanna laugh? $50/per week, bum quit the job and moved in with some woman who was in desperate need of a free loader (there goes my point again - us just posing ourselves to be victims, dealing with no good for us men).
Now, 10 or so years later he is paying $61/week and only because of COLA adjustment.
I do not even bother any more, even when she had cancer and I had bills coming out of my a** he was counting every $10-$15 co-pay he paid during chemotherapy sessions and such. Fathers like that are nothing more than sperminators.
Anywhooooo as Ma says,
I thank God every day I did not marry the looser-saved divorce money and saved myself from credit card debt that he got himself into.
Make a long story short, many women seem to be falling behind due to bad marriages that leave them high and dry. If a woman is in a relationship with a man, it is somewhat easier not to get your own self into financial hole, as you have his money, her money and then the other money (those are applied towards rent, food, utilities, etc).
Much harder to maintain that financial independence once you are married and now his credit card debt is yours and vice versa. Plus some dumb a** men forget to pay taxes, spend money on hookers and such.
not to say that women do not spend money at Nordstrom and men do not get taken by women, but I did not say we were discussing men’s money matters, did I?
Men rarely have chilren full time in case of the divorce or break up of a relationship, so it is harder for us women to deal with all financial pressures as is without adding someone else’s credit card debt to our long list of laundry
Ma, if I do not need three Bob Marley t-shirts, but I really want them, can I justify my purchase somehow? Of course you would be wondering what is the white girl from Russia need those t-shirts for, but I really dig Marley, oh well, as my daughter says “I do not need to wear t shirt with band’s name to prove that the band rocks”
Maybe I can use this excuse not to buy them and save my $50 for my “cookie jar” fund.
I completely felt you on this post, if you are going to do something different with your lifestyle and life, you can’t just hang around the same people…by the way your complete honesty is always refreshing
We’re waaaay different but you’re really smart and really funny,
and I learn a lot from you. That’s why I’ll keep reading. I agree with what you’re saying about surrounding yourself with people who are doing better, I do that if for no other reason than it’s annyoing as crap to be around a bunch of people who are miserable just because they don’t “have”.
Not only is it good for you to be around people who have already reached some of the goals you are aiming for but dammit somtimes it’s just refreshing not to have to sit and listen to your broke girlfriends b!@#$ and moan. =D
When I read this blog and others, rather than focus on the specfic financial results (and how it compares to my life), I focus on the effort/methods/thought process, etc.
Specific results are dependent on effort, methods and circumstance. My circumstances are different than SM’s. but I learn about and apply some of her effort, methods and thought processes…and dare I say, hopefully, on rare occassion, she learns something from me.lol
Either way, my specific results will be different from hers, but frankly, that is to be expected.
I have found, that for ME, it does me no good to compare my RESULTS with others (whether “below or above me”), but rather to focus on the ways that my effort, methods and thought processes can be improved by association with those who both like and unlike myself.
LOL@ your reply to my comment! I can’t say I live in the “Ghetto” ghetto but most of my town is an upper-middle class college town in North NJ - so the section of town I live in is ghetto compared to the rest of the town!!! But, i’m moving on up in life so soon enough i’ll be living ghetto fabulous in a not so ghetto town LOL.
Do you seriously not have cable?!?! Or just basic, not digital?
Nope, no cable at all - digital OR basic. I rarely watch TV. [-SM]
Wow, what a poignant post! I’m so glad you wrote this.
As you know, I’m a single mom, too. Reading your blog isn’t always easy because it reminds me that I’m not in the financial place I WANT to be in right now, today… But that’s why I keep coming back.
As you say, “You should never avoid someone because they are in a better place than you.”
You’re showing this mama the ropes. Thank you.
I love your blog because you are very smart. I like your swag. I love the fact tha you are willing to share with us. I have learned so much from you. I’m a broke college stundent for now. I still love your blog, the info I get here is priceless! I have learned sooo much from you, things my parents do’nt know about finances. Thank you.
Greetings, I have been reading your blog for about a month and let me tell you, I can’t go to bed without reading it….I Love It! I totally agree with the person that comment above, you are very inspirational keep doing your thing girl. Now, your Birds of a Feather blog is Fantastic, Everything that you stated was very real and again inspirational, I got something out of it and you know what as of this day I will not hangout with people like myself, but really I believe I have in away and my oldest son & I was just speaking about my ex-close friend, we have nothing in common any more because I keep a very positive attitude about life, I’m trying to start my business, I’m about to attend college to Major in Business Administration, I’m have a wonderful husband, my mother and I are very close and so on. Every time she calls me, things are always bad, now I am facing some challenges, but I dust them off and keep stepping and I try to find positive ways to get through, I also try to offer her inspiration but she continue to complain, so I stop calling her and I told my oldest son, sometimes you just out grow your friends. So I truly agree 100% with you and thanks a million. To one fabulous sistah to another!
Peace & Blessings!
SM,
I’ve read your blog religiously for the past year but have never been prompted to comment until now.
Your words of wisdom/struggles/experiences have motivated me to completely eliminate credit card debt and increase my credit score by 200 points.(Since I began reading your blog last May.) My financial house is in the best order of its life.
Perhaps we have very little in common as far as life circumstances, but what I have taken away from your blog—an attitude of “optimization” towards personal finance/work/etc—keeps me coming back for more!
Keep up the good work!
To be fair, I didn’t read Jess as saying she was going to leave. I only read her as saying she felt intimidated because she couldn’t relate. I’ve seen lots of flounce posts in my time, some on my own work *snerk*, and that wasn’t a flounce post.
Part of the reason I started my own blog was because I don’t want to be a loser forever, but I wanted to write about my experiences becoming a winner, that way there would be a narrative that people in my old situation could follow later and go, “Hey, she was in X situation with Y resources and she achieved Z result, just like me, so I can do it too.” It’s a little different when you’re reading someone who is already there. And it’s very, very easy for someone who’s Made It to forget the nitty-gritty details of what it was like in their past and to lose empathy for those who haven’t yet grown and changed to the same degree. I didn’t want to be the comfy middle-class personal finance blogger who makes fun of the minimum wage worker because he doesn’t know how to effectively ask for advice and none of the advice he’s given is helping him. (This has actually happened, though not on your blog that I’ve seen.)
I hear ya about getting away from bad influences too. I don’t want to be cruel to people who are already having a hard time, but success is self-driven, peers are a powerful influence and I’ve already let myself be dragged down way too much by negative people.
As for the fat people and McDonald’s and diabetes thing, I’d totally go to McD’s in a pinch, but I’d toss the bun, skip the fries and get the salad on the side. Presto, no huge blood sugar spikes, and less chance of diabetes. But anyway…