The Professional Woman
As previously mentioned, I attend one of the four leadership courses that are part of my personal career development plan. I know this post is long overdue and I apologize for the delay (ok, not really LOL), but I was off last week and I didn’t want to think about work. But I’m back on my “A” game and in CSS mode, so we can talk shop all week if you want. Cool? Cool. So anyhoo…
It was a 3 day course, titled The Professional Woman, and I really enjoyed it. The instructor was awesome and the class dynamics, primarily young managers with less than 10 years experience, played a role in my enjoyment as well. Since it was very interactive (visuals, videos, role playing, and class discussion) with an emphasis on communication (verbal and non-verbal), it is difficult to truly capture the essence of what I learned on a blog, but I’ll give it a try.
There were a total of 7 modules, so I’ll break it up into a series of posts - maybe 3 or 4 to include a summary and list of recommended books/videos for additional information.
[all info is credited to my notes and other material shared in the class]
Module 1: Women at Work
We’ve all heard the common stereotypes and myths about women in the workplace, so I won’t get into those, but there are some common beliefs about why women have not enjoyed the same level of career progression and pay as men:
- The Glass Ceiling - this is the invisible barrier for women to advance into top levels of an organization, which results in a male dominated culture. The fact that men hold the majority of upper management jobs is indisputable and it also facilitates the creation of “good old boys’ networks,” which reinforce the glass ceiling concept.
- Unequal Pay for Equal Work - this may not be true for all, but it still holds water in the vast majority of career fields. Some may argue that women concentrate on lower paying careers (i.e. nursing and education), but the difference in pay ($0.75 vs. $1.00) is still prevalent when male and female employees have the same career, education and experience.
- The Sticky Floor - this one was new to me, but it is the difficulty women face in getting promoted out of lower grade, trainee, entry level, or development positions.
- The Motherhood Dilemma - 71% of mothers with children under 18 work outside the home, but 60% of top women executives have no children at all and only 5% of top men executives have no children. Wow! This statistic clearly shows that parenthood is not an obstacle for men but certainly is for women. Despite the emergence of two income households, women are still responsible for the majority of childcare and maintaining a household.
- Women Reluctant to Help Women - with fewer senior level positions for women, some people believe women develop the “Queen Bee Syndrome.” Meaning, women are unwilling to help other women to develop in their careers out of fear or competitive envy.
- Same Behavior - Different Label - studies have shown that women are perceived to be more intuitive, emotional, gentle, accommodating, and less aggressive than men. Therefore, there is a belief that a female manager’s success depends on her ability to alter her style to reflect more typical male qualities. However, many women say, even when they behave like men, they are judged differently and more harshly.
What do you think about these beliefs? Are they true or false? Do they create barriers for us?
Module 2: Different Communication Styles
Our experiences shape our vocabulary, so it’s natural that our experiences also shape the way we send and interpret messages when speaking verbally and non-verbally. For example, as little girls, women were taught to make friends and establish bonds. On the other hand, as little boys, men were taught to compete. As a result, you may find the following idiosyncrasies in the workplace:
- Small talk - observe a group of the same sex in your office and you’ll notice that women share their personal problems while men share hobbies or mutual interests.
- Information - women see information as a means to an end (i.e. work together to get it done or sometimes gossip LOL), but men see information as power (i.e. want personal credit when getting done or won’t stop to ask for directions LOL).
- Opposing views - women use personal experiences as evidence while men focus on direct statements to prove something is right or wrong.
- Agreements - women nod to mean “I hear you,” but men nod to mean “I agree with you.”
- Informal gatherings - women think playing golf, going out for a drink, and small talk before a meeting is “manly” or a waste of time, but men know informal gatherings are when most important decisions are made. Women attend formal meetings to weigh in on decision making, while men understand that the meeting doesn’t happen in the meeting. The purpose of the meeting is to confirm what has already been decided at the informal gatherings.
- Meetings - women think it is impolite to interrupt when someone is speaking, but men compete in meetings to be heard. While women may think interrupting is rude, men think women take too long to make a point due to personal details.
Although it may be uncomfortable to change the way one communicates, men should be encouraged to join in on the personal part of discussions and women should be aware of when conversations become too lengthy. Women should also realize that personal details often undermine the message being conveyed. To find a middle ground, some helpful guidelines for women to follow are:
- Make direct eye contact when speaking
- Project your voice at a medium level, but do not over-compensate
- Do not acknowledge or address anyone who interrupts when you are speaking
- Do not sound like you’re the follower if you’re the leader
- Make your words specific and precise
- Support your opinions by facts, data, or evidence - not personal experience
- Take ownership, use “I” instead of “we” to describe your work
Body language is another biggie. Because women are taught to bond, they prefer to face the person they are speaking with. But men view direct face to face as a competitive stance. For women, if you are not facing each other, then you are not listening. For men, standing or sitting side by side while looking at the report together instead of each other is just fine. If a woman tries to force a man to face her, the man may become uncomfortable with her defensive/aggressive approach. These differences are not right or wrong, but they often result in confusion and conflict.
As a male or female, have you noticed these different communication styles in your office?
Tomorrow, I’ll address “The Myth of Having it All” (both career and family) and “The Philosophy of Assertion” (how to be assertive, appropriately).
The Full Series:
Part I: The Professional Woman
Part II: The Myth of Having it All and Being Assertive
Part III: Leadership Styles (participative vs. command & control)
Part IV: Developing Relationships (networking and mentoring)
Part V: Summary and Recommended Reading
[image credit: Black Women’s Caucus]
~*~*~*~*~*~Work to achieve, not to acquire.
And as always, BE FABULOUS!
16 comments:
Write a comment:
Want an image next to your comment? Get your Gravatar here!
Have you read the Fabulous Financials comment policy lately?
The Department of Labor actually maintains a chart somewhere on their website illustrating the median incomes of all the major occupations, and it is broken down by gender. It takes some finding, though, so I don’t remember right at this moment how to find it. If I (1) find it and (2) remember I mentioned it to you, I’ll come back and pass on the link.
Anyway, it struck me in looking at the chart a while back that even with *kindergarten teachers,* men make more than women. You mentioned the excuse given about unequal pay that women choose lower-paying occupations; well, teacher is one of them. Men *still* get paid more in that profession, and *even* in those teaching jobs where it can’t be argued they have a natural advantage over women (an example of the latter would be “physics teacher”).
Of course the original point is that women get paid less than men in the *same* occupations and with the *same* amount of experience. I’m not sure what it says about some people that they feel moved to make all manner of excuses which have nothing to do with the original point–”women work in lower-paying professions”, “women take time off to have kids,” and so on. Right. Researchers know all that. They’ve controlled for those factors. So… what’s the real reason?
I’m not saying it’s something that can’t be overcome, and it’s not true in all professions. For example, I was in the military for a few years and except for not allowing women into the official “combat” specialties, they do NOT discriminate by gender in pay. The military is one of the few employment fields where there is true pay parity and they even make the figures available to anyone who wants to look at them; if you know a soldier’s time in grade and all the extra stuff she’s qualified to do (jump status, etc.), you know what she’s being paid, period. No secrets, unlike in the civilian world. It’s just unfortunate this is the exception, not the rule. And women shouldn’t *have* to fight for this stuff. If you’re being paid in a job, you should have already done all your fighting to get to that point. Sooner or later the fighting’s gotta stop so you can get on with your *work*!
SM - some of this is spot on. Re: The Sticky Floor - Granted I work in law for the 9to5, but women aren’t generally encouraged to move up at the 9to5. Re: The Motherhood Dilemma - I have the problem that since I don’t have children, I am expected to work much later, cancel plans, etc. I detest that. And we have a few Queen Bees here.
RE: The communication - again, spot on.
I love the tips for changing the communication styles - will have to try that. Can’t wait for the rest of the series summaries!
Good stuff. I need to read more about it.
I think most of that is dead-on. I think part of the reason women make less than men, as well as don’t advance at the same rate as men, is that women can be too passive. Most men I know don’t hesistate to negotiate job offers, raises, etc. while women don’t always do the same. Women have a tendency to be more concerned with what people think of them (i.e. being liked) rather than getting what they’re due.
However, while part of it is due to women’s nature/personality, part of it is due to the double standard that exists in the workplace. Nothing is thought of a man who’s outspoken and/or direct but a woman who exhibits the same behavior is often deemed a b*tch. Appearance/dress is often a factor as well. There’s a fine line that women are required to walk in terms of what is presentable/professional without being “too attractive” which can diminish how seriously she is taken.
I could go on and on but I won’t blog in your comments
SM, I’ve been reading for a while now and I’ve yet to figure out what CSS means. And I have to agree with the communication styles.
“This statistic clearly shows that parenthood is not an obstacle for men but certainly is for women” - they just need to hire a nanny
Women also don’t negiotiate raises, a study was showned in which women and men interviewed and receive the job offer, however only the men try to negiotiate for more money unlike the women they just accepted what was given.
When it comes to money I think like a man, I always try to negiotiate.
Agree with the CSS confusion. I must have missed the acronym explanation at some point.
This is Horrible, but one issue my friends and I have discussed is the management style of men vs. women: most of us prefer the male management style–it’s more relaxed, more trusting, and we find it easier to talk to male managers vs. women managers. Across the board, most of my female AND male friends have not had good experiences with female managers/bosses. I was surprised to learn that even my gay male friend who is a doctor prefers men as mentors/bosses–usually straight males are the most confusing people on earth for this guy, but at work, he intensely dislikes the female doctors’ management styles.
There are exceptions (of course!), but in my company and my personal experience, women managers are TOO detail-oriented–they check up on you more, are more critical of your work and ability to get it done, are harsh and brusque in their manner, are more stressed out and harried, and take over small tasks that you can do easily. It gives the impression that your employees aren’t trusted to do the work correctly, or have the ability to get it done. I hate that I’ve noticed this, and that it seems to be true for alot of my peers, but there it is. I’ve even noticed these tendencies in myself when put in charge of someone. Most women’s natural instincts (or socially taught habits?) to take care of people and be helpful just shouldn’t be brought into the workplace, it seems.
Yes!!! Thank ya lawd! I have been waiting for this.
*gains composure*
Now let me get back to reading it.
I wish I could have taken such a course a few years ago. . or maybe even 8 yrs ago when I was starting my career. I was offered such senior positions at a young age (VP by the time I was 24), and mostly worked as a manager of small teams (in tech). . .ending my career at a male-dominated firm where the only women besides myself were receptionists. It was TOUGH! Basically every single thing you’ve shared here I had to learn the hard way. If I had known better, I would have handled my career far better and maybe would be doing very well today. As it were, I instead gave up completely because the politics had become a total nightmare. Now, almost 2 yrs later, I still have the occasional nightmare about it (no joke!)
I’m happy for you, that you’re able to figure out ‘the game’ and make it work!
I love being a full time mother now — finally something that doesn’t cause me loads of stress (yet! :))
I really enjoyed this. Especially the bit on body language. Body language and tonality make up 95% of communication. Most people don’t know that. That’s why we feel doubtful about someones plan despite just having agreed with them. We can use body language to build rapport. Subconsciously, when you speak with someone and gain rapport, your body is matching theirs. By matching, I mean that your movements are mirroring his/hers. This means that you’ve connected with this person and have well calibrated. You can consciously do this if you’re aware that you are not in rapport with someone. This helps in every aspect in life, from love and attraction, to sales.
The reason men don’t enjoy being face to face is because wars were fought face to face. Man has adapted to charge his enemy dead on. That’s why it’s important when approaching a man to approach from a side angle. For females, approaching from the 3:10 angle is best. Approaching from behind is the least favorable. This is only but a small part about interacting through body language. It’s very interesting and very impressive.
I was EXTREMELY busy at the office today, so I apologize for not being able to participate in the discussion. I would have loved to respond to many of you with more things from the class. You guys really hit the nail on most of the stuff I left out.
But let me ask you something. I’m not sure if you can learn this in a class. In addition to closing your door, having papers spread across your entire desk, reference books open, files on the floor, and straining your eyes to read an electronic copy of a 60 page document (needed to capture my track changes quickly) that requires your input within 2 hours of receiving it - how can you look more busy so people won’t interrupt every 5 minutes? *sigh*
By the end of the day, I heard the admin telling others “If you can’t explain it within 2 minutes or less, she’s gonna tell you to come back tomorrow.” LOL
Needless to say, I’m exhausted. Plus I’m a little bummed about the news I learned today, so I’m going to bed early. Not sure if Part II will be ready to publish first thing in the morning, but I’ll try.
And CSS stands for Corporate Slave Ship.
Get your rest SM.
This is a very interesting topic. I think there is a lot to it. One thing I have been told repeatedly in my career is that I am “very smart/good at what I do” (don’t know WHY the men always sound so surprised when they say it) and that I am intimidating (I have gotten this from more women supervisors than I can tell you about in this comment).
So, some men seemed surprise that I am good at my job (which entails dealing with a lot of men in positions of relative power) and some women find me intimidating. So, around both men and women I have had to adapt my style to combat whatever baggage they are bringing to the table.
Re: unequal pay…it is amazing to me how pervasive these attitudes still are today. I have a friend whose co-worker said that she should help him succeed in his job more than he helps her (even though he makes more money) because he is the sole bread winner and her husband works…I almost fell off my chair…not because he thought it, but because he had the nerve to say it to her, like she was going to agree with the “crazy” coming out of his mouth.
NoFearingTheMoney,
That’s actually an interesting point that your friend’s coworker brought up. Men are still more likely to be the sole bread-winner and thus they have a strong need to earn more money. That means they may work longer hours, be more competitive, be more assertive about raises, etc.
Dana,
You said, “They’ve controlled for those factors. So… what’s the real reason?”
I think that’s actually wrong! All you have to do to see that is look at one such report, such as this one. It very clearly says “Source: U.S. Census Bureau”. Do you honestly think the US Census Bureau has controlled for the factors you mentioned? Their job is just to provide raw data. If you can find a reputable report that has controlled for those factors and still shows a 25%+ wage difference, please share.
The Census data is about the median *earnings* (take home pay) of full-time workers (not necessarily salaried)… there’s an important distinction between take home pay and BASE pay, I’m sure you’ll agree! For instance, this study in the UK found that the difference in weekly earnings was 21% but the difference in hourly wage was only 12%.
If you do a search for “overtime by gender” you will quickly find that men work significantly more overtime (on average) than women. For instance, this NIH report on dentists stated, “Multivariate regression analyses found that controlling for other factors, Women dentists worked on average 4.8 fewer hours per week than men”. So 4.8 hours fewer out of a 40 hour week… that’s 12%! If you have men working 12% more than women, that probably translates into raises being an extra 12% as well, and so on. As anybody who reads personal finance blogs knows, the magic of compounding means that eventually, women who miss out on that 12% are going to have *significantly* lower earnings after 20 years relative to men.
Just as a thought exercise, though, let’s look at what happens. If a women gets a 5% annual raise and a man gets a 5.6% raise (12% higher), then after 20 years the man is making (1.056^20 - 1.05^20) = 32% more than the woman. That has to be averaged, of course, since the man only makes that much more towards the end of his career.
Honestly, I did not cherry-pick these numbers for the sake of argument. I just did a google search for “overtime by gender” and looked at a few results on the first page. It is important to note that some pages suggested that perhaps women are not given the *opportunity* to work overtime as much as men. I didn’t bother researching that claim more (you could keep digging all day as various issues come up) but it could definitely be a valid criticism.
Anyway, all of that aside, I think that we as a society need to come up with a way to economically reward motherhood. If a woman takes a just a few years off, she will make significantly less money over the course of her life (again due to the compounding of raises and career advancement). In addition, she has the immediate burden of losing her income. That is a huge economic disadvantage, whereas she is providing the rest of society with economic advantages (her children).
It also leads to too many high-achieving women not having children at all, as evidenced by the cited childlessness rate of female CEOs. I don’t know how much you believe in nature vs. nurture but that is a lot of good genes that are never passed on, whereas the high-achieving men seem to have no problem passing on their genes.
Both are serious long-term problems that need to be addressed by society.
Jon,
Wow. Interesting information. But, here is my issue with what my friend’s co-worker said: he and his wife choose for her to stay home with their children. That’s cool. But why did he assume that it is my friend’s obligation to promote his career, even in advance of her own, because of his choice? That is what made me almost fall off my chair and point out the “crazy.”
I have also witnessed this same sense of entitlement from some parents in the workplace, (I can’t travel because of my kids…I can’t do this project because of my kids, etc.) It infuriates me because it makes it seem that you can not do your job (and do it well) if you have children. The implied assumption is those in the office who do not have children are somehow obligated to pick up the slack. Why? If I were childfree, this would make me mad as hell, frankly. Why should the childfree be expected to compromise their work-life balance for the work-life balance of people who have children?
Business exists to make money/increase value, etc. I have seen way too people (mostly women, I must say) shoot themselves in the foot because they advocate for change with reasons that having nothing to do with promoting the stated business objectives of their employers. When I wanted to work part-time, I did not build my case on my personal reasons, (I never even mentioned them),…I built it on the needs of my employer for a part-time position to fulfill a specific function that was very lacking in our department. It took a year of negotiation and some luck, but I was able to pull it off. For several years I worked part-time with excellent reviews, a promotion, etc. I recently returned to work full-time (with the same employer and another promotion) in a better position than I would have been if I had continued to work full-time.
I am also interested in the causality implied by over-time and advancement. The numbers are what they are, but I am more interested in the reasons/expectations behind them. For example, there are several organizations where the culture prizes working overtime as a sign of getting more things done, which I would argue is not necessarily the case. I have seen too many people (including some of my former employees) work “all these extra hours” mainly because they did not really work during the time they were being paid to do so.
I also don’t think that “motherhood” is economically devalued in (American) society as much as active, engaged parenting (which in many ways forces a more robust work-life balance). That can and should be done by both parents (mother/father, mother/mother, father/father, whatever), if available. I think it will go a long way to help things if we stop labeling what is really parenting as “motherhood”, as if fathers don’t exist and/or don’t have the skills for active, engaged parenting. It is insulting to both mothers and fathers of all stripes and makes it just another so-called “women’s issue” as opposed to the family/societal issue that it is, in fact. Whew! - taking a breath-sorry Ma for blogging in your comments. Back to work now, lunchtime is over.LOL
Now I definitley see why me and my husband have confilcts when it comes to communication….LOL. Great blog, so many insights into office politcs, My biggest issue is how astetics play in, Men pay more attention to better looking female employees, yet disregard their intelligence more easily. I feel that as women we should instead direct our attention towards women who are trying to break those cycles, and unite in the business field. If you’re looking for more information on career goals, maintaing,owning or developing your own business, you should check out Vision to Venture, which is 5 live events (April-May 2008) hosted by industry insiders showcasing trade secrets and featuring “Girl’s Guide to Building a Million Dollar Business”. One of the featured speakers, Susan Solovic, an award winning small business advocate, will be discussing online business promotion that’s easy and affordable. You should take a look at http://smallbusiness.officelive.com/v2v/; the event is completely geared towards us female entrepreneurs and provided by Microsoft. You should also look into their new web service Office Live Small Business, which is so easy to use and features a ton of resources on how to organize and manage an online business. If you have any questions let me know, I work with Microsoft and I’m always around!
Regular reader, but first time commenter Single Ma.
This post really hit home today for me after I had my yearly annual review with my boss. She’s about 10 years my senior and we have different personalities. My review went as expected (99.9% positive), but she made note of my “subconcious” tendency to not let people with slower communication styles finish speaking. She wanted me to know this so I would not give a false impression of myself that I was being rude and not listening to people, since she knows I would never purposefully do this. I work hard to be a team player and communication is the key part of my role here.
Since I know I should always work on listening more (I’m most definitely a fast thinker/talker, sometimes too quick-witted for my own good), I said thank you for letting me know this. She explained then that a few of our colleagues had mentioned this to her, not just her observation. So I was bit floored at this and felt bad, vowing to myself to work on this.
Later I read your post and I instantly wondered if the colleagues who had mentioned this to her were female or male. Prior to this job, I worked in a male-dominated office and my fellow female coworkers were also quite strong-willed. My social life is also one where I have stronger relationships with men or strong-willed women. Was I really interrupting so badly? Or is it just that I have a more “male” communication style and am working with women with “female” communication styles?
I’ll also admit to often thinking of my boss as being more nag than she needs to be, worrying over things of less concern. I know this though and have adapted my work and communication style to fit hers better (as evidenced by overall high approval on the review).
Anyway, just thought I would share this. I look forward to more posts. And updates on Baby Girl’s job.
Your blog lets me see how hard work pays off.