The Professional Woman: Part II
In Part I of the Professional Woman, we addressed the causes of inequities between men and women in the workplace, as well as how experience affects the way we communicate. Although I didn’t participate in the discussion, I think the comments were even better than the article, so thank you all for sharing your insightful opinions.
Now in Part II, let’s talk about how women can be more assertive while trying to have it all.
Module 3: The Myth of Having It All
For many women, “having it all” means being a wife and/or mother and having a successful career to boot. The problem with trying to have it all is that, at some point, one or more things in your life will suffer when another requires your undivided attention. Therefore, modern women face the challenge of balancing responsibilities instead of choosing between having a family - or - having a demanding career. But balancing is difficult because:
- Continuing inequity - even in two parent households, women are the primary caretakers of the children. In addition, women are still expected to perform most of the household duties. A survey of high achieving men and women show that women are more likely to help with homework, stay home with a sick child, clean the house, prepare meals, and shop for groceries.
- Time crunch - high achieving women typically work 50+ hours per week. After adding commute time, after hour events, or business travel, it leaves very little time for a truly balanced life.
- The unforgiving decade - most women have children between the ages of 25 and 35; however, these are also the best child bearing years. As a result, some women are choosing to establish theirs careers before starting a family.
Those are only a few of the dilemmas women face, now here are several strategies to master a successful balancing act:
- Avoid the disease to please - women wear many hats (i.e. mom, wife, daughter, sister, subordinate, supervisor, colleague, friend, etc.) and have a tendency to try to please everybody. Well guess what? It’s impossible! Either learn to say “No” or learn to set reasonable boundaries.
- Identify and be clear about your priorities - this is self explanatory, but I’ll give you an example. Although I’m a workaholic, my office knows that my daughter comes first. No matter what I’m doing, I have to leave the office every Wednesday at 5pm sharp because we have a standing appointment. They can say a plane is falling out the sky and I’m the only one who can save it - at 5:00, and I mean on the dot - I’m leaving. Everyone knows it, and whether they like it or not, it’s understood.
- Other helpful strategies - choose an organization with work/life balance, choose a career with flexibility, identify sources of stress and practice stress relievers.
Most organizations understand the problems women face with balancing a career and family, so they try to address women’s issues by applying at least one of the following approaches:
- Assimilate - expect women to adapt in a male dominated organization. Examples of this may be to offer assertiveness training or male mentor programs. I don’t know about you, but I think this kind of environment would suck. In other words, the organization is telling me “I don’t care about your problems, deal with it!” Umm, no thanks!
- Accommodate - implement new programs to foster work/life balance. This kind of approach benefits men as well. Examples of this include job sharing, telecommuting, flex time, on-site daycare, etc. This one seems to be the most successful approach.
- Celebrate - recognize the differences between men and women and make use of their various skills where appropriate. An example of this may be to place women on certain projects that make the best use of female attributes and highlight their strengths. Hmm, I don’t know about this one either. It’s too subjective and may even be borderline sexist. But I do understand the intent of the concept.
How do you manage work/life balance? Are you a “Superwoman” who tries to have it all?
Module 4: Philosophy of Assertion
Women are usually viewed as nurturing (mom to children) or passive (wife to husband), but in the workplace, assertiveness is the key to getting ahead. If you’re one of those people who thinks that being good at what you do will earn you a promotion (or bonus) because it’s only fair - honey, let me tell you something. Keep right on sitting in cube-land with that warped sense of reality because you make my job easier by staying out the way. LOL! If you don’t learn to be more assertive at work (i.e. get noticed and take credit for your work), you run the risk of being ignored, overlooked, overworked, or taken for granted. Good luck with that!
Now I realize many women are uncomfortable asserting themselves because our culture leads us to believe that it isn’t “ladylike” to make waves. Although it’s expected and even acceptable for a man to be assertive, when a woman asserts herself, she’s being - dare I say it - a bitch. Trust me, I understand because I’ve been accused of the latter more times than I can count.
Think I care? I’ll let you guess.
However, I will admit that there’s a very thin line between assertive and aggressive. Assertive is the act of enforcing your rights, but aggressive is enforcing your rights at the expense of violating the rights of others. For example:
A passive person will not stand up for themselves and allow others to use them.
An aggressive person will stand up for themselves and insult or hurt someone else in the process.
But an assertive person will stand up for themselves by focusing on the issue, being fair, and respecting the rights of others.
Other examples of passive, aggressive, and assertive behaviors are:
Passive
- afraid to let your voice be heard
- agree with something even though you really disagree
- put others’ needs before your own
Aggressive
- use threatening language
- talk over others
- attack the person, not the problem
Assertive
- use direct language
- seek to understand others’ points of view
- incorporate the opinions of others without altering your own opinion
If you are a passive person, it will be difficult to automatically become assertive overnight. If you try to “fake” assertiveness, you may unintentionally come across as aggressive because people are accustomed to your passive nature. However, you can develop assertive traits with a systematic approach. [credit for 5 steps verbatim from the text]:
- Identify situations in which you want to become more assertive
- think about a time when you were afraid to speak
- think about a person who made you afraid to stand up for yourself
- Describe the situation in very specific terms
- time
- setting
- people involved
- what bothered you
- what was your response
- what did you fear might happen if you were assertive
- Replay the situation in your head and consider how you would have preferred it to end
- what would you have done differently
- how did the different reaction make you feel
- Practice the revised script
- write it down
- role play your preferred response
- Then just do it! - this is the most difficult of them all, but it is easier to carryout when you have a plan and you are prepared. Try being more assertive, people will respect you more.
I consider myself an assertive person, but the above exercise was extremely hard for me to do. There’s a situation I’ve been dealing with and it has required a more delicate, passive approach. Which is ok - sometimes. But honey, this is a 180 degree stretch for me. I mean, seriously, out of my comfort zone. So when it was time for step 3, all I could think about was choking the shyt out of the person I had in mind. Then steps 4 and 5 were a wrap. LOL Ok, TMI. Sorry.
Are you passive, aggressive, or assertive? If you’re not assertive, do you feel respected at work?
Next, “Leadership Styles” (male/female) and “Developing Relationships” (mentors/proteges).
The Full Series:
Part I: The Professional Woman
Part II: The Myth of Having it All and Being Assertive
Part III: Leadership Styles (participative vs. command & control)
Part IV: Developing Relationships (networking and mentoring)
Part V: Summary and Recommended Reading
~*~*~*~*~*~Work to achieve, not to acquire.
And as always, BE FABULOUS!
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I am definitely assertive at work, but I know people think I may border on aggressive but that’s just because I’m a woman and not a man that they perceive me differently to begin with.
I completely understand. Many things I do wouldn’t be perceived as “aggressive” if I were a man. Even on this blog, readers’ comments on my negotiation posts come to mind. [-SM]
*shrugs*
Gotta speak up and be a bitch sometimes. Esp when you know you’re right.
How do I manage being a superwoman? Funny. I am a single mom and my son comes first. I make that known in my interview b/c I don’t want there to be any miscommunication as to where my priority is. I may skip lunch a couple days in order to take an extended lunch anotehr day to have lunch with him or read to his class. If he is sick, then I’m out. I will and do log in from home and work occasionally. I think I do a good job of balancing work, as well as my other interests and my family.
As far as my personality, I think I am borderline aggressive. Not in a way to hurt anyone’s feelings, but I do not take kindly to folks trying to take credit for my work or get over on me. I do know how to tactfully make my position known and I always have supporting documentation. I am in a field where I do have to be aggressive though. Matter of fact, I spend the majority of my day fighting..
I have a question for you? How do you handle incompetent supervisors?
Uh, I don’t have an answer for that one. Sorry. LOL All I can say is have LOTS of patience. Mine may get on my nerves, but I must admit, she’s sharp. Not much goes over her head and she’s always on top of ev-er-y-thing. [-SM]
I’m assertive at work but there has a been time or two where I was aggressive (i.e. losing my temper). On one hand, I don’t think you should lose your cool but on the other hand, I think I gained a new level of respect from some because they realized I wasn’t to be messed with.
That’s interesting. I think women lose credibility, instead of gain respect, when they lose their temper because men attribute it to uncontrollable emotions or PMS. [-SM]
There are a few ’superwomen’ here and it definitely couldn’t be me. But then again, their goals and aspirations are much different than mine. I have no desire to rise to a C-level or VP of anything at my company (or any company, for that matter). There’s a price (and dues) to be paid to get to that level and the cost is too steep for me. I’d rather lead a life of semi-leisure than to work 50-60 hour weeks and crackberry on vacation my way to the top.
You just described my life but I don’t think I’m a ’superwoman’ type. It’s all about setting boundaries and making them known to others. I do aspire to reach the top in an organization, not my current one, but maybe the next. Although I’ve made many sacrifices, I’m learning to prioritize my responsibilities and better manage my time. I think the problem with ’superwomen’ is that they try to do it all and never know when to say enough is enough. [-SM]
Hey Fabulous Single Ma - I loved your discussion about passive, aggressive, and assertive. You are right that assertive people get ahead at work. I found this especially true in the engineering ranks if Silicon Valley - we didn’t care where ideas came from, men or women, young or old, as long as they were good. And it take a confident, direct, respectful approach to make your voice heard on issues.
As for balance - I agree it’s tough to find balance, and historically women have shouldered most of the burden at home. Know that men are becoming more enlightened and compassionate. I’m a single dad running a household solo, and I wouldn’t give up my time with my kids for the world. In my house, it’s kids first, work second. Men will come around eventually. Meanwhile, you offer some great advice for women to take control on their own.
A single dad! Welcome! Glad you decided to comment. I look forward to hearing more of your point of view.
While I do realize that some men carry the burden of home maintenance and childcare, but let’s not fool ourselves - you are an exception, not the norm. [-SM]
I really enjoyed this piece, Single Ma.
I am assertive, bordering on aggressive, in most every aspect of my life (I’m the alpha in my personal relationships, including the one with my partner). I am trying to reign in the aggressive piece, but it’s a real challenge for me. Any tips for taking the aggressive edge off? I’ve been working on my listening skills as a start…
When I get aggressive, it’s usually because I’ve crossed the line of anger. Perhaps the focus should be controlling the anger. Another strategy is to put yourself in the other person’s shoes. Aggression usually hurts someone else in the process, so imagine how it would make you feel if you were on the receiving end. I know it’s easier said than done, but it has helped me deal with a recent situation.
How do you manage work/life balance? Are you a “Superwoman” who tries to have it all?
I consider myself a superwoman and I believe I can have it all- I’m having a great time trying. Once my child arrives I know I’ll have to readjust. I work from home 90% of the time but realize just being home doesn’t mean I’m balancing motherhood with other things. In light of that this answer is only good for a limited time.
My husband makes it possible for me to have work/life balance. Other things I do is try to be working by 7 a.m. so I can be done early enough to enjoy life and the day. I do have those times where life has to take a back seat to work but I love what I do so that gets my blood pumping. I think I’m a better wife and person if I’m pursuing things other than wife and mommydom. Work gets my blood pumping and those around me become the beneficiaries of my enthusiasm and brain functioning. While I like the smell of a fresh bathroom, a sparkling kitchen and bathroom don’t make me feel like I’ve challenged myself.
My husband’s business is growing, so we’ll likely get someone to help with household stuff, so we can both maintain family and work balance once the baby arrives.
Are you passive, aggressive, or assertive? If you’re not assertive, do you feel respected at work?
I’m probably a mix of those things. I try to consider the needs of others because much of my work is about compromise- so in that I’m passive. I really want my clients to get what they want while understanding that the other party can’t lose too much or they lose the incentive to give. I can be aggressive, it is sort of my natural inclination but I realize how things fall apart when I take that stance. I’m assertive when I’m sure I’m correct but a lot of times when I know or suspect I’m wrong I have difficulty being assertive, but I don’t want to lose. I have learned that I need to keep my voice up use phrases like, ‘its my understanding’, ‘my interpretation’, as opposed to “I think” during the times when I think my position is incorrect.
Many women, even assertive women, lose credibility simply with the words they use. I find myself using “I guess” as in, “I guess what I’m trying to say is…”, when I’m not confident about something. Another biggie is saying “I’m sorry” when there’s nothing to be sorry about. For example: one of my staff members always begins her statements with “I’m sorry for bothering you, but…” or when she doesn’t understand my direction, she’ll say “I’m sorry, but can you explain xxx again.” If you keep saying you’re sorry, people will begin to think you lack confidence or when something does go wrong, it’s your fault. [-SM]
In accordance with your situation. I’ve read to think in terms of outcomes. Imagine what your ideal outcome would be and work backwards.
A problem is just an outcome that’s flipped over.
The Unforgiving Decade is the kicker for me and many of my friends. I struggle with how to deal with the baby years. Women just can’t pass along the duties of carry the baby, delivering it, and nursing it, and that can take at least 3 mos off your work. I’m always keeping my eyes peeled for offices that are amenable to maternity leave. I don’t mean just allowing women and men leave, but supporting it.