The Professional Woman: Developing Relationships
If you missed it, catch up on Part I, Part II, and Part III.
Part of becoming a successful leader involves learning from the experience of others and then sharing your knowledge with those who are less experienced. The best way to do this is to develop genuine relationships, which are made possible in one of two ways:
NETWORKING
- Join a formal network, organization or group. Members of formal networks have similar interests and goals, share information, provide moral support, and exchange contacts to help each other advance. Almost all career fields have formal networks. Find yours and join it.
- Participate in informal networks, such as happy hours and professional mixers. These are usually social environments where who you meet is hit or miss, but the key to successful informal networking is making the connection. If you’re uncomfortable making small talk with strangers, here are five tips to break the ice and keep the conversation flowing:
- Practice your communication skills – the best communicators are the best listeners. Everyone wants to feel important, so when you meet knew people, make them feel welcome and appreciated when they’re in your presence. Also, use their name or the word “you” as often as possible. For example, instead of saying “I like your suit,” say “You look great in that suit, Single Ma.”
- Treat people like an old friend – Imagine running into a friend you hadn’t seen in a long time. Imagine the smile that lights up your eyes. When you greet people that way, your body language sends a message that creates an instant rapport.
- Echoing – Listen for the lingo and try to use the same words in your conversation. This will help you gain acceptance because you’ll sound like an insider.
- Practice your personal statement – When someone asks the dreaded question, “what do you do?” Don’t rattle off your title. Who cares! It probably sounds boring anyway. Briefly explain what you do and make it interesting. Instead of saying “I’m a management analyst,” say “I write documents to help people manage the organization better.” This will make the listener want to know more about you. It also displays confidence and enjoyment in your work.
- Listen for the deeper connection – What is the one thing almost everyone talks about when meeting a stranger? The weather! It’s inevitable. But listen for other cues to shift the conversation for a deeper connection. For example, I might say “yea, it rained so much last week, my daughter’s team canceled two games.” In that one sentence about rain, you also learned that I have a daughter and she’s involved in some kind of sport or activity. Reciprocate the information and a new friendship may develop.
MENTORS AND PROTEGES
A mentor is defined as “a wise advisor or teacher” and can play several roles in a protege’s career:
- sponsor – to widen opportunities
- teacher – to solve problems or create learning opportunities
- devil’s advocate – to provide challenges and show the protege how to assert their ideas
- coach – to support the protege in defining what is important to them
Benefits of mentorship:
For the mentor…
- develop a reputation as someone who has an eye for talent
- become known as someone who gives back
- make oneself attractive to executive team by developing future leaders
- build a support system of colleagues, making it easier to advance his/her own career
For the protege…
- learn how to be successful in your chosen career
- learn from the experience of others
- receive time, personal feedback
- potentially advance one’s career
Mentor Guidelines:
Determining your needs: seek a mentor who will…
- provide valuable short and long term career advice
- help develop your career and interpersonal skills
- provide positive feedback and identify areas for improvement
- offer guidance in developing goals
- give tips on how to position yourself to be noticed
- willing to use his/her contacts to help you advance
Choosing a mentor: helpful steps when looking for a mentor…
- research sources for the type of mentor you want
- look for people who are competent, good teachers, and motivators
- show a desire to learn and willingness to take risks
- look for nonverbal cues that someone is interested in YOU
A good approach to finding a mentor is to look for experienced people who take the time to answer questions and are very competent. You should be comfortable with the person, be able to trust the person, and have mutual respect. There are no rules as to whom you should choose, but women who have both male and female mentors are more likely to be on the fast track.
Choosing a protege: look for proteges who…
- have a record of good performance
- are highly visible in the workplace
- seem enthusiastic about their jobs
- highly regarded by management
To some extent, a protege’s performance is a reflection of his/her mentor, so if you are helping to shape someone’s career, be careful who you connect yourself with. And likewise, it can be damaging to a protege’s career to associate with a mentor who is neither respected or well established is his/her career field.
How to establish a mentoring relationship:
Do NOT ask someone “will you be my mentor?” Instead, pay a compliment first. Then ask questions like “will you teach me xyz?” or “will you help me learn more about xyz?” or “can you show me how to [fill in the blank with something the mentor has achieved]?” Then make your potential mentor see that being associated with you could be good for his/her reputation and career.
How to strengthen or maintain the mentoring relationship:
Proteges should…
- schedule regular meetings and maintain contact
- show their appreciation
- ask mentor for help
- tell mentor how their advice helped
- accept that the mentor is not perfect and will make mistakes
- do not rely on mentor for every move
- give mentor credit and praise publicly
- help mentor when s/he needs assistance
Mentors should…
- schedule regular visits to discuss issues
- be accommodating and make time to help protege
- offer advice but encourage protege to make own decision
- do not allow protege to take advantage of relationship
- invite protege to special events
- identify and celebrate protege’s successes
- thank protege for his time and/or help
It is important to note that mentoring is a two-way street and it is not to be taken lightly. Choosing the wrong person on either end can be damaging to both parties, but a well cultivated mentoring relationship with the right person can benefit both the mentor’s and the protege’s career. It’s widely known that success in business is not only a matter of what you know, but also who you know and who knows you. So choose your mentors and proteges very carefully.
Do you have a mentor? If yes, how did you establish the relationship? If no, why not?
Next, The Professional Woman summary and recommended resources.
The Full Series:
Part I: The Professional Woman
Part II: The Myth of Having it All and Being Assertive
Part III: Leadership Styles (participative vs. command & control)
Part IV: Developing Relationships (networking and mentoring)
Part V: Summary and Recommended Reading
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I got my first mentor at 7. She was a young attorney and I thought she was just exceptional. I went to speak to her and I’m not sure what I asked but we kept in contact and are still in contact. She is also the best friend to my mom’s cousin so that has made it easier but our relationship existed outside their relationship.
My most recent mentor is the woman who owns the firm I used to work for. She is brillant. I started calling her with random questions, she answered and that relationship was formed.
7 years old, huh? LOL
I must admit, I’ve never truly admired anyone until 5 years ago. Not sure where my mind was before then. Or perhaps, I’d never met anyone as talented as my current mentor. Now I have two, one male and one female, and they’re both at the top of their games. I’m always honored when they take the time to advise me. [-SM]
These entries read like you attended a great program. I’m discovering a lot from your posts so I know the workshops must have been fabulous.
I’m glad you are enjoying them. I’m only sharing a smidgen of the information from each section, but there’s so much more. It really was a great course! [-SM]
I had a mentor at my first job who was hugely influential to me. I had two supervisors who were about the same age–both in their 50s–but they were totally different. One definitely had the queen bee syndrome and didn’t want any women in her territory (especially young women), but my mentor really took me under her wing. She was confident, well-spoken, a great leader and manager, and just a lovely and amazing person (ran marathons on the weekends–that kind of person). I am indebted to her because she showed me how an assertive, kind, professional woman should be. She also made me realize that you can be a generous leader rather than territorial. I try to mentor younger women around me when it seems they need someone just to pass on the goodwill. I know first-hand that it can be intimidating when you first come into the workforce.
I have a mentor at work. I was actually paired with her b/c we handle the same jurisdictions. But before the formal mentor assignment, I was always asking her questions. The reason I selected her was b/c she had been doing the job for 30 years and she seemed to be the most knowledgeable person in the office. She also had grandchildren that appeared to be my son’s age, so it’s always easy to strike up a conversation with her about kids. The more I learn, I don’t really have to ask as many questions, but I do still visit with her almost weekly just to see how she’s doing. The door is always open for her to assist me with more challenging claims as I am exposed to them.
On the other hand, I have a desire to start a non profit and I am currently developing a mentor type relationship with a Director of an existing non profit. How did I find her? Searched for the type of program I wanted to work with, set a meeting with her and offered her my services. While she is getting assistance and time from me, she’s also giving me invaluable wisdom that I couldn’t pay to get. I am very appreciative.
I don’t think I’ve ever even thought of having a male mentor. I can’t even think of one male in my office that is doing well enough that I’d want to immulate his work and career development. Oh well.
Unfortunately, I don’t have a mentor. It is difficult being an AA woman in a male dominated field. Hopefully that will change once I am done with graduate school.
I’ve never had a formal mentor but there has almost been someone (whether while in school or at work) whose advice I respected and sought out. I’ve been encouraged to be a mentor to some of the younger people here at work. However, I generally decline because after talking to the potential mentees for a short time, it becomes obvious that they want some ‘magic bullet’ and don’t really want to put in the work required to get to where they claim they want to be.
@ nikkia – I’m an young AA woman in a middle-age white male dominated field as well. It can be helpful to think outside the box in terms of finding a mentor. Your mentor doesn’t necessarily have to be another AA woman. While they will definitely be able to relate to you, they will only have one perspective which is the same as yours. I’ve found that male mentors can give a much-needed objectivity and advice in terms of navigating a male-dominated environment.
I must say a mentor in my career made the difference for me. There are no “official” programs per se, but I did it on my own. I figured if I want to get to the top I have to make a way now. I have multiple mentors and have even been obliged by having someone ask me if I wanted them to mentor me. I would also suggest getting a mentor who is well known and who is doing what you want to do in the future. A mentor who is well known can recommend you for a job no one else knows about and introduce you to the right people.
A mentor in you same department may not be the best idea, look to branch out and be diverse. Great series Single Ma!
Allisha
Thanks for the free info Ma, I guess we all need sharpening in some areas
Nice posting
I’m not a woman but I’ve really enjoyed these posts as well. I like the advice for networking in this post. That’s something I’ve never been good at. I really like #4 and #5.
Great post! I have been in charge of the company’s internship program for about seven years, and ended up being a mentor of sorts to dozens of kids who have passed through it. The ones who took the time to stay in touch with me are the ones who have been successful, and I often pass along job opening information and networking event invites to them. Several have even become great personal friends and have worked with me on freelance or volunteer projects outside of work. You never know what the future holds – I suspect one day one of these brilliant young women will be in a position to hire ME!
Thanks for this wonderful series Single Ma! I have been struggling with seeking out a mentor as I am headed into my second year of my career and I need some guidance. This information certainly helps me to know what to look for in a mentor and how to conduct myself as a protege.
My job has a semi-formal mentor program, but of course I got paired with one of the least respected people in my organization…..so I don’t rely on this relationship at all!