Fabulous Financials

70 comments:

1. Sistah Ant, 14 January 2008, 18:46
   

   I agree 100% with your reasoning. By the time I was legally able to work, I did, and I took responsibility for my clothes and music and other teenage stuff. When I left home for college when I was 17, I assumed primary financial responsibility for myself and I appreciated it both then and now. I did it with a combination of scholarships, loans, work-study, and sometimes three jobs at a time. It’s doable, and it builds fiscal responsibility.

   The main difference between my parents and my honey’s is that my parents have no retirement plans and a house note, and his mom is set to retire this year with a paid for house, investment property and travel plans. I am so scared of what could happen to my family’s welfare if I have to take care of my parents. I would rather follow in her planning pattern than in my parents’, and if that means encouraging my kids to have the kind of independence you’re encouraging in Baby Girl, so be it.

   Now if it turns out I don’t have to make a choice between my retirement and the kids’ college, I’d like them to start out with no student loan debt. But that remains to be seen, and my default position will be the same as yours - I’ll handle my retirement and you kids can handle school.

    
2. SJean, 14 January 2008, 19:14
   

   Agree. Thanks for adding more details though!

   People can pay for college w/out their parents. I did, as did my boyfriend. Sure I have some student loans, but the 133/mo isn’t killing me. If I wanted to go Ivy, I may be hurting more, but seriously, I’m doing fine with my state school degree.

   Retirement is so obviously a higher priority!

   One comment though. Since my parents didn’t make a lot, I qualified for good financial aid, including some grants. If you make so much that you “disqualify” her for aid, it is a little harder to make it on her own. And it’s near impossible to declare yourself “independent” without getting married, so your parents income is always a factor.

   Just something to consider, but your view is refreshingly realistic.

    
3. Single Ma, 14 January 2008, 19:26
   

   @ SJean - I didn’t use “independent” in terms of qualifying for financial aid. I meant “independent” as in a responsible individual who can stand on her own two feet.

   If my income disqualifies her for financial aid, whoopty doo. I won’t apologize for earning a healthy salary. She’ll just need to make some hard and fast choices about how hard she wants to work these next two years of high school and which school she wants to attend.

   The way I see it, financial aid (meaning grants that don’t have to be repaid) plays a small part anyway. If she earns a full ride scholarship, then she won’t have to work. If she earns a partial scholarship, then she’ll have to work a little. If she doesn’t earn a scholarship at all or if she earns a scholarship from one school, but chooses to attend another, then SHE will have to work that much harder. It’s also up to HER if she wants to attend an Ivy League or private HBCU vs. state school. The CHOICE is hers. My income does not increase her burden.

    
4. SJean, 14 January 2008, 19:47
   

   I knew what you meant, sorry for mixing the terms. Financial aid is a bit of screwy system anyway, but grants and subsidized loans are nothing to scoff at if you happen to be eligible.

   It was just a comment/thought and there is truth to it. People who’s parents make very little money get help and usually do fine. People’s parents who make gobs of money are fine. It’s the rest of the world whose parents make “enough” but not enough to throw at them that have to work a little harder. But in the end, most of them will be just fine too. I imagine your girl will be fine, or rather, better than fine.

    
5. ShanSoPink, 14 January 2008, 20:09
   

   Last year I mentioned to a friend that I was paying for college with little help from my mom, she acted like she was disgusted saying that it was my mom’s repsponsibilty to pay my way through college. I couldn’t believe her response.

   I try to pay the bulk of my tuition/room and board/books etc. with little help from The Bank Of Mom and The Bank of Grammy, I work, took out a loan, apply of Financial Aid, and keep on praying that I can make it…and I always do. I agree that it isn’t my mom’s responsibility, and besides that my mom just can’t afford to hand me thousands of dollars every year.

   I think you mentioned how much more rewarding things are when you accomplished them on your own, you are so right!! When I’m managing my own money, and my own bills I feel like an adult, it gives me confidence to be independent and handle all of my endeavors without looking for mommy to hold my hand.

    
6. alice, 14 January 2008, 22:11
   

   I think that it makes a lot of sense to have her be very invested in the process, both of being there *and* of paying for it. I went to school with a lot of folks who were coming back as transfer students, and knowing why they were there, what they were giving up and how much they themselves were paying for each class helped them take things a lot more seriously. Many folks I knew on loans who were just straight-out-of-high-school, however, didn’t have that same attitude - I think that it was because it didn’t affect their lives at the time, and they didn’t have a sense of what that debt would be like.

   I will say that some of your language about it comes across as harsh and kind of misleading - you’re not just choosing between funding your retirement and funding her college, you’re choosing between a number of discretionary expenses and funding her college. Additionally, the increases in college tuition aren’t tracking general inflation - even (most) state schools have seen ridiculous, double-digit increases in total costs over the past few years, which means that they’ve vastly exceeded the wage increases in jobs of the type that most students get. The % of a student’s bills that student jobs will be able to cover is a lot smaller than it would have been 10 years ago.

   Part of it is definitely that I think of parenting differently - even when there are decisions that the kids don’t get input on, I can’t agree that their thoughts are irrelevant. So while I definitely agree that you’ve got every right to refuse to take on this expense (and wish that there were more discussion in the financial planning realm about the expectation that parents fund college), I can’t feel the ‘right on!’ sentiment that others have expressed.

   AND - I’m glad that you got my brain going on it so much that I wrote this all out!

    
7. JB, 14 January 2008, 23:08
   

   Parents are in no way obligated to pay for their children’s college education, but they are obligated to lay out the importance of an education. My mother could not afford to help me with college, and I pay student loans every month, no big. I got help in other ways, free rent, food, emotional support, unconditional love and acceptance etc.

   The people that complain about student loans are the ones that went to some wildy expensive private institution when they could have attended public school at a much lower cost.

   I hope to pay for half of my children’s education. That seems like a good balance to me. Like the part where you mention how parents could become a burden later in life by not adequately planning for their own retirement.

    
8. Single Ma, 15 January 2008, 4:27
   

   @ alice -

   “Many folks I knew on loans who were just straight-out-of-high-school…didn’t have that same attitude - I think that it was because it didn’t affect their lives at the time, and they didn’t have a sense of what that debt would be like.”

   The difference between those students and my child is that she has a parent who is actively engaged in finances on a daily basis, a parent who teaches her the importance of living debt free, and a parent who demonstrates and actively teaches her how to be financially responsible. She will not incur her educational debt blindly. I will be there for her every step of the way - before, during, and after.

   “I will say that some of your language about it comes across as harsh…

   No surprise there. I figured some people would think so, hence, the apology and disclaimer.

   “…and kind of misleading - you’re not just choosing between funding your retirement and funding her college, you’re choosing between a number of discretionary expenses and funding her college.”

   Oh yea, you’re right. I choose to eat, own a home, drive a decent car, fund an e-fund, invest, and live a comfortable lifestyle. None of which I will give up to fully fund her college education. Please forgive me for leaving out those details.

   I see the point you’re trying to make, but I’m not buying it. If I carried tons of credit card debt due to frivolous purchases and a ‘keep up with the Jones’ lifestyle, I might share your concern. But I actually “plan” where my money goes so my decision isn’t some fluke that happened just because.

   “Additionally, the increases in college tuition aren’t tracking general inflation - even (most) state schools have seen ridiculous, double-digit increases in total costs over the past few years, which means that they’ve vastly exceeded the wage increases”

   And this is different from the increase in housing and medical care expenses, how?

   “Part of it is definitely that I think of parenting differently…”

   I agree. One’s parenting style is a sensitive subject so I won’t elaborate on this one. I’ll just agree that your thoughts on parenting may be different than mine, neither of which is wrong…just different.

   @ jb -

   “Parents are in no way obligated to pay for their children’s college education, but they are obligated to lay out the importance of an education.”

   I agree 110%, which is why I encourage my daughter to strive for excellence. When I stress the importance of education, it isn’t only through lecture, but I also lead by example. She sees it everyday.

   May I also expand on that and say an education isn’t enough. It must also be APPLIED in the real world. Therefore, I also stress the importance of taking initiative, being assertive and competitive, planning your future, laying the foundation to achieve your goals AND making them happen.

   I know many young adults with a “good” education who still struggle through life - especially with their finances. IMO, an education without applying the others is like trying to make a cake without eggs. You’ll get “something” out of it, I suppose, but it won’t be worth the effort you put in.

    
9. Fortunate, 15 January 2008, 5:13
   

   Just to defend those of us who had their parents pay for their education - we were not all slackers who didn’t have an appreciation for our education. As a matter-of-fact, I chose to leave a school that was giving me a full-ride to attend another that was stingy with the scholarships. I had my reasons and my parents agreed. Further, I didn’t work because my parents wanted me to concentrate on school and to have time to do things like unpaid internships and extra-curricular activities. Because of how I was raised I felt like I owed my parents so I worked my butt off so that they wouldn’t feel like they wasted their money.

   Now, my point is not that everyone should do this. My parents made their choices and now all the loans are paid, they own their house, and their retirement looks fine (they’re not rich just very good at managing money). My point is that there’s more than one way to skin that proverbial cat. Even though I appreciate my parents’ choices and reaped many benefits, I can also see the potential benefits of Single Ma’s plans. Actually, I’m just happy to see how much thought and planning you have put into the whole thing and how you’ve laid it out to your daughter early so that she isn’t going to turn 18 and suddenly have to fend for herself with no foundation and no assistance! I’ve known too many parents who think certain life skills magically appear at 18 now that their kids are adults and expect their kids to fend for themselves without having prepared them to do so.

   Not that you need anyone’s approval, but kudos to you and thanks for putting it out there!

    
10. Anonymous, 15 January 2008, 5:45
    

    The best thing you can (and seems like, will/are) do for your daughter is teacher her about her finances young. If she borrows money she will understand what she is doing. If she is eligible for a scholarship, you will be sure she knows it.

    You don’t have an obligation at all–just saying you will help as you can and feel like it (and help her buy a house! That’s very generous) is enough.

     
11. Becca, 15 January 2008, 6:10
    

    Good for you. My parents helped me a little, but I paid for most of my schooling through student loans and working two jobs. I think it was absolutely the right choice, since I STILL managed to make some dumb money decisions while I was in school. Still, when I graduated I was able to handle moving to DC and paying for life ever since.

    Two of my good friends who had substantial financial help from their parents (one totally, one with all but clothes and food paid for) aren’t handling their independence after college so well. They were responsible and didn’t follow the stereotype of kids whose college is paid for them, but they both have a sense of entitlement about their parent’s “responsibility” to help now with certain things.

    I think your combination of teaching her how to handle money and then putting her in a position to learn her mistakes within the relative safety net of college is the best thing you can do for Baby Girl. You’re treating her like an adult and she’s bound to rise brilliantly to the occasion.

     
12. HC, 15 January 2008, 6:37
    

    Since it’s tax time, this might be a good time to do a preliminary expected family contribution (EFC) calculation.

    FinAid has one.

    That way, should you choose to share that information, she has a year or so to get over the sticker shock, and plan accordingly.

    http://www.finaid.org/calculators/finaidestimate.phtml

     
13. DogAteMyFinances, 15 January 2008, 7:24
    

    My Ivy League school just got a lot cheaper, as they upped scholarships for kids with parents living below the poverty level of 200K. Ivies might actually the cheapest option.

     
14. Anonymous, 15 January 2008, 7:26
    

    I put myself through a private four year liberal arts college with a hefty price tag for my BS, a State University for my MA and then a few years after that a seperate 18 month professional developement course of study by doing student loans, grants, scholarships, savings and lots of part time work.

    My mother was not able to pay for my schooling. I think in my four years of college she paid out about $3,000 most of that the first year as I got “set” to go to school. The rest (tutition, room, board, books, incidentals) all came out of my pocket. I worked two and three jobs each summer and my work study job plus housesitting, babysitting, whatever I could do during the school year to pay my way.

    Looking back over all those years, the only thing I would have done differently was find a better balance between work and my studies. There were times I felt all I did was get up go to school go to work, study, go to work, and go to sleep.

    I will admit I did envy my freinds whose parents were able to foot their bills or did not have to work and came out of school without $60,000 in student loans. They would be off for a night out downtown and I would be studying, they would sleep in on a Sunday and I would be off to my part time job.

    My grandmother was in the position to purchase a car for me while I was in school and that was a big help. She called it her present to me for the rest of my life. That car gave me the freedom to take additional part time work off campus and I also did go home a couple times a semester to raid the cupboards and see the family.

    The nice part is I can look at my accomplishments and know I did them all myself. The paid promissory note is framed next to my diplomas.

     
15. Moneymonk, 15 January 2008, 7:42
    

    Even if I had the money to pay for my daughter’s college, I still would not do it.

    An easy ride makes children spoil. I plan to help or match whatever she puts in. She has to learn the ethics of working. Nothing is free.

    It just nice to be in a position where you CAN help financially.

     
16. Fianna, 15 January 2008, 7:48
    

    Single Ma, I don’t usually comment, I am usually just a stalker.

    On this topic however, I wanted to chime in as I 110% agree with you.

    My parents helped me a bit with college, but I always knew their contribution would be minimal. I believe that it helped me to become more independent and self-reliant.

    While some people consider not paying for your child’s college education akin to throwing your child to the wolves, I believe it is being a responsible parent in that the child must learn to balance real-life responsibilities.

    They are at an age when they are an adult, it is time for them to act like one.

     
17. English Major, 15 January 2008, 7:56
    

    Do pay attention to what dogatemyfinances said. If BabyGirl is a qualified applicant to Ivies (and some “little Ivies”), attending those schools, which have lots and lots of money for financial aid and are able to devote themselves to acquiring the best students at any cost, may turn out to be cheaper for her than attending a smaller college with fewer resources, or even than attending a public school.

    My own “little Ivy” alma mater is not a good example of this, so do your research (or have her do hers), and pick carefully. By the time she’s ready to apply, all the Ivies may have followed Harvard’s lead and raised the aid bar significantly.

     
18. English Major, 15 January 2008, 7:58
    

    (P.S. My parents paid my way through private college, and my sister’s too, and we’re pretty good kids who both appreciate our educations and took advantage of the opportunities our respective schools offered us. Neither of us was a slacker in school, and both of us are pretty financially responsible.)

     
19. Single Ma, 15 January 2008, 8:17
    

    @ EM - I commend you and your sister. To have worked hard, took advantage of the opportunities that were afforded to you, appreciated your parents help, and for being financially responsible. That is nothing to sneeze at.

    By the way, I hope I didn’t imply that children who get a free ride are slackers and unappreciative. Even if “most” are, there are certainly exceptions and you and your sisters are prime examples.

    Now my question to you, if by chance your parents relied on you during their retirement, could you afford to take care of them? Obviously you have a sibling to share the burden, so that’s a benefit my daughter wouldn’t have.

    Uh oh, there goes that “personal” in personal finance again. LOL

     
20. K., 15 January 2008, 8:31
    

    “First of all, she isn’t an adult with voting rights, so I don’t have to “discuss” my decisions with her.”

    ROFL! Isn’t that the truth. There is no right or wrong way to parent (excluding abuse/neglect, of course).

     
21. L. Britt, 15 January 2008, 8:35
    

    I don’t agree with your decision, but that’s okay. I hope the lessons you are instilling in her will balance out the need-based aid she won’t get because of your salary and decision not to help.

    Anyway, please don’t assume that there will be an affordable college worth Baby Girl’s efforts. I’m a doctorate student who studies Higher Education and I’m learning that the only schools that are remaining affordable are lower-tier public schools and community colleges. There have been studies that prove it does matter what school one attends. A go-getter may be “just fine” at a lower-tier school, but they lose out on the opportunity to be “fantastic” at a prestigious one, public or private.

    The increase in tuition is rising faster than home prices and health care, by the way, because colleges are affected by unique non-economic, non-rational factors. And unless the government makes higher ed a policy priority, the increases won’t stop.

    None of this is about changing your mind, but at the very least, you may want to think about letting Baby Girl hear the ideas in your comments. She should be aware of the reality of college. If you want her to make her own serious life and financial decisions about her future at 17, she should at least have all the information.

     
22. Single Ma, 15 January 2008, 8:42
    

    @ L. Britt - I don’t mind reading opposing views because I’m about to disagree with you right now. LOL

    “I’m learning that the only schools that are remaining affordable are lower-tier public schools and community colleges.”

    Nothing wrong with lower tier public schools and community colleges. They exist because they serve a purpose.

    “A go-getter may be “just fine” at a lower-tier school, but they lose out on the opportunity to be “fantastic” at a prestigious one, public or private.”

    I went to a regular ole’ run of the mill public school and I’m friggin FABULOUS!!

    “If you want her to make her own serious life and financial decisions about her future at 17, she should at least have all the information.”

    As I mentioned in the post, I am NOT throwing my child to wolves to fend for herself. I will be right along with her every step of the way and make sure that she receives every piece of information available to her. What kind of parent do you think I am?

     
23. Kahnee, 15 January 2008, 8:43
    

    Interesting post, Single Ma.
    I have $54,000 in student loan debt and according to Sallie Mae, I’ll be paying for college while I’m paying for my daughter’s education. She’d nine now, and we’ve had a few conversations on how she’ll probably have to pay for most of her college or I’ll pay for hers and she’ll help pay for her brothers. I haven’t really come to a decision yet but this post is swaying me in the direction of “helping” her instead of footing the entire bill. Like you, I would prefer to use that money for retirement.

     
24. everythingiseverything, 15 January 2008, 9:03
    

    I don’t have kids but I agree with everything you said even as I look at my 40k in Student Loans. Paying for college is not like a basic need and after 18 you are an adult, pretty much. My parents helped how they could, but colleges costs do not compare to retirement costs AT ALL! And you can get student loans but you can’t get loans for retirement. I think people tend to give their kids too much and treat them like peers instead of children. My dad used to tell me THIS HOUSE IS NOT A DEMOCRACY HA HA! Any one who really wants an education will find a way to pay for it, with parents help or not.

     
25. Single Ma, 15 January 2008, 9:07
    

    “THIS HOUSE IS NOT A DEMOCRACY”

    HA HA love it!! As I always say, I am NOT my child’s friend. I am her mother.

     
26. Staci Carsten, 15 January 2008, 9:25
    

    I understand your reasoning. I do have a college fund for my kids, but it’s the last thing to be funded on any given month. When it’s time for college, I’ll help as much as I can, but if there’s not enough saved, they’ll have to figure something else out.

    My parents paid for my college and I’ll do the same for my kids if I can, but I won’t eat cat food in my old age in order to do it.

     
27. Stacia, 15 January 2008, 9:42
    

    I fully support your plan Single Ma!

    I had a single ma of my own. She was raised on a small farm with a family of 7 children and her parents never talked to her about the possibility of attending college. When she finished high school, she got a job, got married, had children, and got a divorce. She was determined to give my siblings and me a better life. She talked to us about the value of an education and encouraged us to go to college, but there was just no way she could afford to pay for it. I earned some scholarships, worked part time jobs, and took out some loans to put myself through college. I graduated with my degree in civil engineering in 2006.

    My college education and good job mean that I could afford to pay for my future children’s college. But I quite honestly don’t think that’s a good idea. My mom showed me the value of hard work, and I don’t know if I would have become the motivated person that I am today if she’d been footing the bills.

    In my opinion, I’ll be doing my future kids a disservice if I don’t allow them the opportunity to overcome challenges in their life. They’ll learn from it and become better people because of it.

     
28. Anonymous, 15 January 2008, 9:49
    

    I think your approach is reasonable, and pretty much what my parents did, although I think they would have liked to help out more if they were able to.

    I do think that you should take into consideration that your higher income may price her out of some aid - for better or for worse, the system assumes that parents will be contributing a certain amount, and that does create inequities in aid packages. But, I think your helping out here and there with certain things will balance this out.

    Finally, I want to remind you to be thankful that your daughter is so smart and talented that she can win scholarships (of course you had a lot to do with that too)! There are many sincere, hard-working, good kids out there who just don’t have special abilities in academics or sports, etc to win scholarships , and I think we should remember that ordinary kids or kids with disabilities deserve a shot at college without crushing debt too.

     
29. English Major, 15 January 2008, 9:53
    

    Thanks for the clarification, Single Ma–it was really more in the comments, the tone to which I was responding. You might want to take a look at a recent article in NY Magazine (I think it was called “Rich-Kid Syndrome”?) about how wealthy parents try to raise children who don’t suck. It deals mostly with the very rich, but it’s still interesting.

    Now my question to you, if by chance your parents relied on you during their retirement, could you afford to take care of them? Obviously you have a sibling to share the burden, so that’s a benefit my daughter wouldn’t have.

    Uh oh, there goes that “personal” in personal finance again. LOL

    If they suddenly became incapacitated and broke right now, there’d be trouble: I make not so much money; my sister’s still finishing school. If they waited ten years, we’d probably be okay–they wouldn’t be in Shady Acres Assisted-Living Manors of Abundance or anything, but I think both my sister and I would feel it a pressing priority to help them, and we would make it work as best we could. And, of course, it helps substantially that neither one of us carries a crippling student loan debt.

    My parents certainly agreed with you on the retirement-before-education-savings point, though–they’re well provided for, thankfully, which gives me and my sister the chance to go and pursue our lives with great educations and no debt. We’re very lucky.

    I’ve thought about opening a 529 in my own name and ultimately transfering it to the name of my child (in the event that I have one) or a niece or nephew (in the event that my sister has kids). It’s a big priority to me to make sure my child has the opportunity to go anywhere her/his brains will take her/him, and especially because my parents paid for my education, I think I have the financial opportunity to make sure I’m in a good place to pay for my (hypothetical) kid’s.

     
30. nofearingthemoney, 15 January 2008, 10:23
    

    Wow!

    This has been a fun read. Everyone has different views and if they didn’t, what fun would that be?

    Here is our take, for what it is not worth:
    1. we save for our son’s college education and we expect to pay for most, if not all of it. Our level of savings is based on what it would take to send him to Stanford/Harvard with a modest level of financial aid. No judgement implied against any other schools, this is just our savings goal.
    2. we tell our son that if he does not go to college, he will get a job to support himself (good luck with that!) and he will pay market rates to live in our house. Once he hits 18 and assuming he is able-bodied, there will be no such thing as free rent.
    3. college is not food, clothing or shelter. It is not a necessity that we are obligated to provide as his parents. We are choosing to provide it because we view it as an investment in the future of our family. We expect a return on our investment in terms of his increased ability to contribute to the ongoing advancement of our family as a whole, (immediate and extended). This does not mean we expect a certain major, just a certain effort/plan/understanding of what the educational experience should do for him.

    Most importantly, we tell him how much of a privilege it is that we are able to and choose to put money away for his education and that he should be grateful for the opportunities it can afford him if he takes full advantage of all that a good college can offer.

     
31. Mrs. Micah, 15 January 2008, 10:28
    

    I think your educational responsibility to her is more about helping her learn well in school before college, helping her learn financial responsibility herself, and then helping her get started on finding scholarships.

    Once you’ve done that share of responsibility then I think you’re set.

     
32. Julia, 15 January 2008, 10:43
    

    SM, I just discovered your blog via Rachel Sarah’s and am immediately hooked. When I saw your initial post about not paying for your daughter’s college I couldn’t believe anyone else thought the same way I did. I think my parents’ decision for me to put myself through college which caused me to incur a lot of debt, made me more responsible and grateful than the other students I graduated with who had it all and were completely ungrateful. (Although they were the friends that would pick up my tab when we went out to eat..ha ha ha.)

    I see my oldest brother who got a free ride in his 10 year college career (literally, it took him 10 years to graduate with a bachelor’s), and he has no concept of money whatsoever today and is constantly getting harrassed by creditors.

    No, I’ve only seen bad things come about from giving your children a free ride. Just like my daughter is going to buy her own car in highschool, she’s going to figure out how to pay for college the same way I did.

    Thanks for making me feel like I’m not so alone in this. Even though my daughter is only 3…he he.

     
33. Anonymous, 15 January 2008, 11:19
    

    I don’t usually comment but I felt like I had to with this topic.

    I attended a close to “ivy league” school and paid my way through school. I choose the school I wanted to attend and it was actually cheaper than the in-state university, other lower ranked schools I applied to and HBCUs.

    When I was looking at schools I knew that paying was going to be primarily my responsibility and looked HARD at school’s financial aid programs and scholarships. There are a number of high ranked schools that offer full/partial scholarships or extensive financial aid.

    Paying for school made me appreciate classes and my education. I didn’t take anything for granted and wanted to make sure I got everything I could from school.

    I think its a GREAT idea to have kids pay for their own school and provide a background support for them. When I saw this on your list of things that you do against the grain I laughed cause this is exactly what I plan to do when I have kids.

    As far as not taking advantage of internships, etc. I’m sure if it becomes to that and a job, singlema might be willing to negotiate and if not her daughter will make it work.

    Great blog…

     
34. anna, 15 January 2008, 11:47
    

    I plan on having enough money set aside for my daughter to attend a community college and to get an AA or whatever. I will not put it into any type of 529 because if she wants to blow that money on a trip around the world, I would say go for it, wait a minute I am packing a bag. The rest is up to her.

     
35. cd, 15 January 2008, 12:24
    

    I just found your site and I find it thought-provoking and inspirational - so thanks!

    As for this topic, I had a hard time choosing which button to push for the vote because my own experience didn’t exactly fit any of the choices.

    In my case, my parents didn’t have the money to pay for my college education, though I’m pretty sure they would have paid if they could have. I worked my butt off in high school and applied for as much community-based aid as I could, as well as pursuing colleges known for their generous financial aid packages and the kind of financial backing that enabled them to offer “need-blind” admission (meaning they didn’t reject you if they thought you couldn’t pay, so at least everyone got a shot).

    I am a great believer in seniors going for the best college they get into - so long as it makes them happy - and I believe there are TONS of resources out there, not all loans either, that can make a top-notch education realistic even for truly impoverished students.

    Smaller liberal arts colleges, by the way, can be GREAT options when compared to larger, supposedly less expensive public universities because they have the endownment, time, and attention to spend on students. Tell BabyGirl not to count them out!

    As for what I’d do with my own kids: if I have the means, I will pay for college (not a new car and ski or beach spring breaks to go with it, etc) so long as the kid(s) have exhibited a true committment to their education and desire to learn more. And they BETTER have either been working as much as they can (in a way that doesnt’ interfere with schooling) or volunteering and giving back to their community. I don’t have a problem furnishing funds for educations, so long as they get what I’m doing and that it isn’t, as you say, an obligation. I’m happy to give gifts that will be appreciated.

     
36. Kells, 15 January 2008, 13:04
    

    Well, our parents took a drastically different approach to our college educations. We weren’t spoiled in the conventional sense, but we never really wanted for anything. I know we were EXTREMELY fortunate to be raised in a home such as that. HOWEVER, the main thing we had was a sense of entitlement. That was a major issue for us. So much so that when my dad said to me casually, “So, how do you plan on paying for college?” My reaction was to get… angry… Looking back at my 17 year old self, I’d like to go back and “What did the five fingers say to the face!” myself. I had always worked, but I’d just assumed that my dad would pay for college. Reality pimp-slap time. I worked full time, got a few scholarships, grants and a few loans. I’m not done yet, but I know that when I finish, it will be because of my own hard work, not because daddy paid for it. I know I would not have appreciated it as much. Not to mention, that just because he can afford it, that doesn’t mean that he should do it. He can afford a lot of things, but that doesn’t mean he’s going to get them. He’s the biggest proponent of “keeping up with yourself, not the Joneses.” Nice, but modest house (paid for) Nice, but modest cars (paid for). Never flashy, but always consistent. Doing it on my own, I’ve had some false starts, some fall downs and some wtf moments, but it’s been worth it. I’ve also gained an appreciation for my dad’s style.

    For some reason though, I guess after watching me struggle for years, when my sisters went to school, they softened up and just paid for everything. Part of me was like, “WHAT THE H.ELL!!” Part of me was like, “It’s his money, he can do what he wants.” But sure enough, though one has graduated and one is still in school, it was NOT appreciated.. and the sense of entitlement is still in full effect. So I have dealt with examples of it going both ways. I’m kind of glad my parents forced me out into the world though. It’s very hard to step out on faith when you have on training wheels.

     
37. Sistah Ant, 15 January 2008, 13:26
    

    “Shady Acres Assisted-Living Manors of Abundance”

    can i just say that english major is a riot? LOL!!!

    for the record, i don’t think that paying for your child’s education necessarily spoils them. my parents didn’t make a lot of money but they spent (and even borrowed) a lot of money to put me in a private college prep school and if anything, i appreciated them more for it. we were all hoping that investment would enable me to get into a good college with a scholarship, and it worked. i still got a job as a teenager, i worked hard to get a scholarship because i knew college would be expensive, and i worked hard to supplement my full scholarship so that i wouldn’t have to call home to ask my parents for money i knew they probably didn’t have. i received as much education and survival skills outside the classroom as inside when i was on my own in college.

    my points: encouraging your kid to aim for academic scholarship is a good thing - these are given regardless of need. also, it’s not so much about not spoiling your kid as it is about encouraging them to take some responsibility in their adulthood.

    if my kids are responsible, and i can help them go through school without jeopardizing my ability to be an independent senior, i’ll help. i might even pay it all - but i’m not obligated to do so, and i would hope that my kids will have enough independence to want to do as much for themselves as they can.

     
38. Beth B, 15 January 2008, 13:36
    

    Wow! My questions and your post have triggered lots of discussion. Always a good thing because I always learn something new and it challenges me rethink some ideas.

    I just want to say two things… I said I did not FULLY appreciate the gift at the time. I knew it was a LOT of money and I worked hard in school. I don’t think I would have done any better or worked any harder if I had paid the tuition myself. I also knew that if I brought home mediocre grades, the tuition payments would end, pronto! I just didn’t appreciate at the time not having any debt when I graduated or that my parents could have used that money for themselves instead of me.

    Also, when I said “discuss” with your daughter, I didn’t mean that she had a say in the matter. I meant, “Does she know that she’s on the hook to pay her own way” and “Have you talked to her now about what paying her own way will entail”

    Thanks for the reply and bringing up this topic.

     
39. Shanti, 15 January 2008, 13:52
    

    I respect your decision, and I think I know why you took it. I myself am in college right now and I am paying my own way. During my first year I had a hard time finding a job so my mom payed for the first year of college. But as soon as I got my job, I started saving my cash and I payed 1/3 of my tuition money all by my self :).
    I made this decision on my own, because I decided I wanted to go this expensive school so I will pay my own way:)
    She’s there for me whenever I need her. But I don’t ask and I haven’t had to

     
40. Tired of being broke, 15 January 2008, 16:21
    

    I completely agree with your decision and your reasoning. I paid my way through my Bachelors and Masters degrees. It has made me a stronger and wiser person.

    Planning for retirement is critical. As a person who worked in the nursing home industry I saw first hand how much of an emotional and financial toll an elderly relative can take. Especially for ‘only kids’. You are doing baby girl a bigger favor by being prepared for retirement and not being a burden to her.

     
41. Peri, 15 January 2008, 16:42
    

    I clicked the no button.

    I have a brother who is seven years older than I am and my father forced him to go to school at 18, he choose to go to a big 12 school. My parents made too much for him to qualify for much aid. They ended up taking out mucho loans for him to flunk out with a .05 GPA or something silly like that.

    Fast Forward fifteen years, and my parents’ messy divorce my mother is still paying for the student loans because she was the signer on them instead of maxing out her retirement. I just realized how old she is and now I worry about her retirement.

    I do not think it is worth getting yourself into debt to pay for your child’s school especially if they do not see the value in it. I am currently in school and a majority of my school cost is covered by Pell Grants and student loans. I think my student loan total right now is about 6k for two years of community college and other schooling. I did not qualify for Pell Grants until I was 24. I think the Student federal aid system is odd. I do not think a student should be considered a dependent of their parents until 24.

    I think my parents feel guilty for not paying for my schooling and try to help me in other ways. For instance my dad pays for my car insurance, which will be ending in March. I also currently live with my mother, but it is more like a roommate setup and I pay for a third of the household bills.

    This came out all disjointed and random…

     
42. E.C., 15 January 2008, 18:15
    

    My parents aren’t paying for any of my college costs, but I know they would have gladly helped if I’d needed it. I’m in the honors college at the state university because the scholarships the prestigious schools offered weren’t enough to make them affordable. Since graduate school is in my future, I knew it didn’t make sense to take on tens of thousands of dollars in debt for my B.S. when the big name schools will still be there later on.

    Getting a full scholarship was great, but I don’t feel like having earned scholarships makes me appreciate my education more than if my parents were helping pay. I’m glad I’m not a burden, and not paying for college has certainly helped boost their retirement savings. It has been really nice to not have to work during the school year and be able to save much of my summer earnings, but I sometimes feel like a slacker when comparing myself to a friend who works forty hours a week and goes to school full time.

    If I have children, I plan to save enough money to cover in-state public university tuition. While I respect your position, making certain a lack of money doesn’t keep my children from getting an education is a priority for me. Since I didn’t have to pay for my own education, I’ll likely be in a financial position to help pay for theirs and still fund my own retirement.

     
43. morethanmom, 15 January 2008, 18:19
    

    I have four children, two with autism and two with great potential.
    I will not be in a position to pay for much if any of the younger two’s tuition, and am treading water like crazy trying to pay off my student loan debt while saving for retirement.
    I have made clear to the younger ones that I will do everything possible, but one is listening and one isn’t.
    You can’t teach experience.

     
44. A little bit a..., 15 January 2008, 18:28
    

    I completely get where you’re coming from Single Ma. My mom and I paid for my first degree with loans. Now that I’m paying for the degree that I’ll end up using, I feel guilty that my mom still has to pay for my education. When I have children, I would definitely like to have my children get as many scholarships as possible. I would be happy to help my future children pay for college as long as I also could fund my retirement as well. I would rather fund my retirement then years down the road having to depend on my children to take care of me.

     
45. pennyprudence, 15 January 2008, 18:45
    

    Good for you! Where I come from (Detroit), the idea of anyone’s parents being able to pay for college was outlandish. I didn’t even expect it. I think it says a lot about us that so many people simply expect parents to pay for college, which points to an underlying assumption that most can.

    I have WONDERFUL parents, but they were honest. They told me, “Good luck, but you know we can’t help you.” I had four jobs and took a full-time course load for five years. I took early morning classes, then was a nanny for most of the day, attended evening classes, did computer programming jobs on a freelance basis, tended bar, and worked at a bookstore on the weekend.

    A friend of mine was an RA so she had free dorm housing, and she worked two jobs in addition to that.

    For the record, we both graduated with 3.8 GPAs. Did we screw around and get drunk? Not really, we didn’t have time! This was the side benefit of working so much.

    Did I have as much time for my school work as I would have liked? No. I do NOT advise NOT working, but I do advise working LESS if possible.

    My point here is: Your daughter will be fine. At age 30, I look back and am nothing but grateful to my parents for NOT paying. I learned to budget QUICKLY. I knew what it was to have $5 between pay days, I knew what it was to ring up credit card debt and what it cost to get out, and I learned this MUCH earlier than most of my friends who only BEGAN managing their money after graduation. Most of them were in absolute shock.

    I have some undergraduate student loan debt, but not too much, and that’s OK. It’s MY education, it should be MY debt, and NOT my parents’. Period.

    I also went to graduate school while working fulltime (part-time by taking two courses in spring, summer, and fall for five years) and am just about finished with my Ph.D. now, six years later. I’ve paid out of pocket as I go and don’t regret that either. It can be done.

     
46. Caryn, 15 January 2008, 18:55
    

    I just have one quick question: Can someone tell me what HBCU stands for?

     
47. Dee, 15 January 2008, 19:12
    

    Hey Single Ma! I definitely believe that it is the parents’ responsibility to pay for their child’s college education. As a single mom, I know how important an education is to be able to sustain yourself financially (although a degree doesn’t guarantee a high income, those who have one are significantly advantaged). I do not feel obligated to pay for my daughter’s wedding or her first home. My job is to send her into this world as prepared as she can be, and an education is one of the best ways I can do that. It is a gift that keeps on giving. After that, how she uses that degree to her advantage financially and otherwise is up to her. But that would probably be the biggest financial investment I make on her, an education.

     
48. Rose, 15 January 2008, 19:13
    

    I think that I understand why you don’t want to pay for college, but I’m a bit perplexed by your willingness to help with her wedding. My mom saved a bunch of money and gave it to us when we graduated from high school. She said that we could use it to help pay for college (it wasn’t enough for everything), or we could buy a car or we could spend it on a wedding, but that was all the money we were going to get. You might want to do something similar, that would make sense in your situation, for your values. Good luck with your decision!

     
49. Single Ma, 15 January 2008, 19:44
    

    @ Caryn -

    “Can someone tell me what HBCU stands for?”

    HBCU is Historically Black College and University - equivalent Ivies are Spelman, Morehouse, and Howard just to name a few.

    @ Dee -

    “My job is to send her into this world as prepared as she can be, and an education is one of the best ways I can do that.”

    I agree, but a child needs much more than a formal education to be prepared for the real world. Want to know how many UNDERemployed people with Bachelor degrees working in fast food and retail?

    “After that, how she uses that degree to her advantage financially and otherwise is up to her. But that would probably be the biggest financial investment I make on her, an education.”

    I completely understand your perspective on it being your biggest financial investment. However, where we differ is that I view college as just 4-5 years, but I make financial investments in my child right now and will continue to do so for the rest of her life. After she completes her degree, I will continue to have a vested interest in her success and will coach her financially if she’s open to receiving my help. I’ll be “mom” forever. Further, if MY financial plans are successful, I will continue to make investments in my family long after I’m gone. For me, it doesn’t stop at college graduation.

    @ Rose -

    “I think that I understand why you don’t want to pay for college, but I’m a bit perplexed by your willingness to help with her wedding.”

    I’m not sure why you’re perplexed. I choose not to fully funding her college education - in fact, I will NEVER fully fund anything she wants after the age 18, but my plan is to “help” her with EVERY major phase of her life. The purpose is to make sure she’s fully invested and committed to pursuing and achieving her own goals. What’s so hard to understand about that?

    “My mom saved a bunch of money and gave it to us when we graduated from high school. She said that we could use it to help pay for college…buy a car or…spend it on a wedding, but that was all the money we were going to get. You might want to do something similar…”

    Absolutely not! I would NEVER give an 18 yr old a bunch of money with the free will to spend however they choose. Un un, nope! Any money I give her will have a predetermined purpose and I’ll need to see the tangible results of my contribution.

     
50. Single Ma, 15 January 2008, 19:47
    

    By the way, according to the poll results as of 10:45pm, it looks like most of you agree with me. 90% have either voted no, help, or other. Only 10% have said that it is the parents’ responsibility.

     
51. English Major, 15 January 2008, 20:21
    

    By the way, according to the poll results as of 10:45pm, it looks like most of you agree with me. 90% have either voted no, help, or other. Only 10% have said that it is the parents’ responsibility.

    Is there a little bit of a straw-man, here, Single Ma? Would anyone really say that it’s the parents’ responsibility beyond their means? I feel pretty strongly that it’s the parents’ responsibility to help to the best of their financial ability, but it seems fairly obvious to me that parents can’t be obligated to buy something they can’t afford. No?

     
52. Single Ma, 15 January 2008, 20:36
    

    @ EM - “Afford” is a relative term. If I believe something is my responsibility, I’m going to plan for it and make it happen by any means necessary.

    For example: I couldn’t “afford” to have a child at 17, but she is my responsibility for 18 years, so I did everything necessary to create a comfortable lifestyle for us. I could have chosen to do other things with my life, but when you feel something is YOUR responsibility, you make it a priority. Thus, funding my daughter’s college education isn’t my responsibility (my opinion), so it isn’t one of my financial priorities.

    Another more relevant example. Many parents who think it IS their responsibility to fund their children’s education will take out private student loans, borrow against their homes, cash out their Roth/401ks, or even forego contributions to their own retirement to do so. Could these parents “afford” the college bill? It’s all relative; however, I’d venture to say no. But they thought it was THEIR responsibility, so they made it a financial priority and came up with the money by any means necessary.

    Read the comments in this thread for other examples.

     
53. 1stopmom, 15 January 2008, 21:15
    

    I totally agree with you. I made this decision years ago. I have four children and I am trying to raise them to be independent. In my heart I honestly believe a college education will be appreciated much more if they pay for it themselves.

     
54. HC, 16 January 2008, 6:09
    

    One could read this the other way; 76% of respondents believe that parents should contribute *something* if they are able.

    I personally voted “other” because I feel parents have a stronger obligation than simply to “help if they can.” If it’s okay with you, I’d prefer to elaborate in a post rather than a comment.

     
55. adrienne, 16 January 2008, 7:31
    

    This is a fascinating discussion Single Ma- and while I understand your position and decisions, I would like to add a few interesting things for readers struggling with such decisions in their own lives.

    -As a previous reader has stated, tuition rates at all colleges FAR outpace inflation growth. It really hasn’t been possible to pay as you and go full-time for decades (unless you can land some uncommonly high paying job- stripping is one of the few such positions a college age female is qualified for)

    -Financial aid and the laws surrounding it have changed dramatically in the past decade. There is no way to escape a college loan debt- even through bankruptcy. It is one of the most permanent and least user-friendly debts any American can incur. This presents serious problems should a debtor be injured in a serious accident, have expression of a serious mental illness, long term unemployment, or become catastrophically physically ill. Such unforgivable debt is a mill-stone around the lifetime of any person thrown seriously off-track by extenuating circumstances.

    -In 7 years working with THOUSANDS of college students as an academic advisor- I can safely say there is NO discernible difference in the decision making process of a student whose parents are paying versus one paying themselves via loans. Kids without ideas of consequences and kids with appreciation exist in both groups in equal measure. It is naive to think mere financing outweighs long-term social education. Appreciative, hard working, circumspect kids become appreciative, hard working, circumspect adults.

    -Kids who work solely with an eye for profits through college do seem to have less time and energy for leadership positions and unpaid or marginally paid on-campus work that really expands on their classroom learning and gives them a very solid resume and better references upon graduation.

    -Grad school is more attainable (psychologically and financially) for students not saddled with lots of undergraduate debt. I mention this because many fields now require a Master’s degree for entry into professional pay-scale.

    -Paying for one’s own education whether through loans or scholarships can put incredible pressure on young people. While it adds motivation for some, it adds immense stress and a sense of impossibility for many. Make sure your child can handle that kind of stress if you are choosing (not everyone has a choice) to put them in that position. Overwhelmed young people can respond to such high stress in VERY self-destructive ways.

    -Working for a university can be a great boon for anyone with offspring headed to college. Many colleges offer reductions of up to half tuition for employee’s children.

     
56. Candice, 16 January 2008, 10:46
    

    My parents paid what they could, I had scholarships and I took out some loans (I’ll pay back the loans) and I’ll find a way to pay for grad school. If I have the money I will pay for my child’s undergraduate edu. and they’ll figure out how to pay for graduate school. My friends parents…who are incredibly wealthy paid for all of her education however expect her to pay back a portion of her education; which makes sense, because why have her take out loans…that have interest…if she can just pay them back.

    The only thing I was wondering about it the schools you mentioned Babygurl attending in an earlier post. I think you said Spellman, Princeton, and another school. Spellman has HORRIBLE financial aid, even if you do qualify…Princeton has good financial aid and aid packages that don’t included loans, however, because they’re and Ivy they only do packages based on financial need.

     
57. Candice, 16 January 2008, 10:49
    

    ETA…I went to and Ivy, all of which have great financial aid programs…however it’s all need based. I will graduate with loans that are less than one years tutition (tuition/board $48,000…my loans $38,000). For me, it was COMPLETELY worth it. I can’t say that I would have had this sort of expeirence at any other school…Ivy or not.

     
58. aps, 16 January 2008, 10:52
    

    I respectfully disagree to your choice. My parents paid for my college education and for my 2 younger brothers’ educations. I never believed I was spoiled for that - I knew that I was fortunate. Because of that, I graduated from college with no debt and have a headstart on my life. Their sacrifice of not have a lot earlier in their lives enabled my brothers and I to go to school for free. And all 3 of us will do the same with our children. Both of my grandparents were extremely poor and saved up their entire lives to send my parents to the US (from Asia). My parents raised the 3 of us to value money, to live within our means, and to give to others. We were limited in what we received, unless it involved education. Their sacrifice helped me - and this now allows me to be able to save for my chilrden. I do not have children yet, but have already started putting a small amount away each month for them.

    Just because one pays for their child’s education does not automatically make them spoiled. I believe it is how you raise your children, in my opinion. I believe that it is a cycle, that once broken, allows future generations to do better. My grandparents & parents made huge sacrifices. And because of that, I will be able to help out my children. Hopefully, I will raise them in such a way that they will feel the same to their children…

    As for retirement? It is customary in our culture for parents to live with their children when they are older. Of course, some don’t, but my parents certainly want to. If there is some sort of “payback” for the fact that they paid for everything, it will be then. This is just my side of it. I enjoy reading your blog and find it in interested perspective on a lot of things.

     
59. Candice, 16 January 2008, 10:59
    

    Caryn–

    HBCU-Historically Black Colleges & Universities

    Ivy League– Brown, Columbia, Cornell, Darthmoth, Harvard, Princeton, the University of Pennsylvania, and Yale.

    Ivy Equivalents- Stanford, Duke, Cal Tech, the University of Washington at Saint Louis, and MIT.

    Howard is a good school, however in academic circles, none of the other HBCUs are as highly reguarded…perhaps certain departments.

     
60. Mz.. Newy, 16 January 2008, 11:13
    

    I agree 100%. I have a son going to college this fall. I told him…I will help him, but I am not going to do it for it. Why? He won’t appreciate it. I put myself through college and value my education much more because of it. I think because it was my hard earned money, I did better in school than I would had someone else paid the way. He has to get a job this summer and I have encouraged him to seek scholarships. I will help him pay for books. I will give him a hand-up not a hand-out.

     
61. BeThisWay, 16 January 2008, 11:40
    

    My father paid for the little tuition my scholarship did not cover, books, rent, insurance and gas (he bought me my 10 year old used car, too). I paid my monthly utilities, food, entertainment and any other expenses I incurred. I thought it was a great way for me to learn responsibility while still giving me the freedom to not work so much that I missed out on the social aspects of education.

    I plan to do something similar for my son. Thanks to a gift from his grandparents, his tuition at any state school is paid. We’ve pre-paid the fees. That leaves housing, food, insurance and other living expenses, some of which I could have prepaid but chose not to.

    Why? I plan to help some, but it will be my son’s responsibility to pay for most of the rest. I fervently believe that when people don’t have a financial stake, don’t make an investment of their own, success is less important, and much harder to achieve. I want him to stand and succeed on his own.

    I very much agree with most of your points and enjoyed this post immensely.

     
62. Alison, 16 January 2008, 12:47
    

    My parents helped me pay for college. They and scholarships pretty much covered the cost for my first year and then it was more or less all me from there on out.
    I really think that paying for college on my own is why I manage money well now. It helped me see the big picture and realize that there was more in life to save for than a cute new outfit.

     
63. Lani, 16 January 2008, 14:14
    

    I agree with everything you have written on this subject. My Father would have helped any one of his five children go to college and he would have asked this one question before he wrote the check…

    What are you going to do about college?

    That said, my siblings and I were raised to be self-sufficient. Meaning, we all were given the tools to pave our own path in life, including college. My little brother just left for his first year of college and has a full ride scholorship to play baseball for the Texas Longhorns. My brother has been planning and working for that scholorship since he was 13 years old.

    Our Father could easily and happily have paid for my brother’s eduction. Yet, we all have taken the same route in life. To make our own way and to say…

    “Thank you Dad for all you have done for me. I got it from here on out.”

    I’m sure, in three years, Baby Girl will be saying the same.

     
64. Single Ma, 16 January 2008, 18:48
    

    Heeeeeeeeeeeeeey Ms Newy, long time stranger!!

    @ all - I’ve read each and every comment and I really appreciate the civil dialogue. I wish I had the talent to write a thought provoking post like this every single day. LOL

    It seems to me that people who paid their own way think that’s the best route and people who were fortunate enough to have their parents pay their way think that’s the best route. This is a perfect example of how life experience shapes your perception of the world at large.

    I think each side (parent obligation vs. child responsibility) has valid points and neither is going to waiver. As with all things personal finance, you have to do what works for you.

    To reiterate my position, I am going to “help” my daughter with her college expenses but the ultimate responsibility is hers to bear. And in doing so, I expect her to place more emphasis on 1-3 rather than 4-6 and she’s well on her way. I realize the importance of balance and I will make sure she is not overwhelmed or charting the course on her own. I have no doubt that she will still enjoy the full college experience of campus life, extracurricular activities (crimson and creme anyone? lol), community service, travel abroad, and (preferably paid) internships. This is my baby and I will not leave her in the world to fend for herself, but she WILL learn to stand on her own two feet.

    For future comments, please feel free to leave them, but I probably won’t check in to read them as often and may not be able to respond right away. Again, thanks everyone for sharing your opinions. This was very interesting.

     
65. Seven, 19 January 2008, 15:27
    

    I would say as a parent I would hold myself responsible. Though I was given a full scholarship from my university, if my child was not presented with the same opportunity but wanted to excel in college, I would have no problem handling that. I wouldn’t want my child starting off with 20,000-40,000 in debt. I would rather they get a job and take care of books and other small bills. Grad school, like my father said, would be on them.

     
66. Livingalmostlarge, 23 January 2008, 14:03
    

    First off, my parents paid for me mostly. I took out a little loans, but not like other people. I did work and cover my living expenses with loans. They paid tuition. They did a great job in helping me out and I deeply appreciate it. I end up at an Ivy for graduate school and can make a decent income.

    DH lived at home to save money. He “worked” in the family business and trust me he could have made bank for what services he provided. His parents paid for college, but 2 am computer service calls are not fun. So he earned his degree I fully feel. He went to graduate school as well and makes six figures.

    We both can support our parents fully. Now we did not go to private schools or have outrageous debts. We both went to public undergraduates. And I had minimal loans, only staffords. So we had great educations for the value.

    Now we’re paying for DH’s MBA at a private school and it’s outrageous. I voted to the best of our ability we will pay. But it’s already being funded and we don’t have kids. And we already decided we will be saving enough for 4 years in-state tuition where we live. That will be more than adequate because we both did well with state schools.

    However, we will encourage our children to do whatever they want including not going to college if they so desire. Forcing a child to do something they aren’t interested in is the fastest way to flunk out. We both did well because we wanted to. But some family/friends did not. A cousin ended up in the military and said it was the best thing for him to grow up. He did fantastic going back on the GI bill.

    So each situation is unique. I am not paying for my kid’s wedding period. We paid for our own without help. Why? Because if you are old enough to get married, you are old enough to pay for it. Nor am I helping them buy a house, same thing, old enough to buy a house, old enough to save to pay for it.

    Our parents both said they were giving us an education and that paid dividends back in SPADES. So we’re going to help our children educationally and that’s it. The rest is up to them. Also we will fully pay for trade school if they so desire.

     
67. MommyofTwo, 25 January 2008, 23:40
    

    SM-
    Girl, I love ya, and I mostly agree with you. Parents should help their kids when they can, but ultimately it’s up to the kid. Parents have a responsibility to ensure (if they can) that they don’t become a burden to their kids as they age.

    I disagree with the idea of sheltering your assets. You’re too good for that.

     
68. future dds, 12 August 2008, 8:51
    

    Other- please explain. Here is my explaining.

    I really like what my parents did. I had to cover food, tuition, rent, everything while I was a way at school. But my mom takes me shopping, flies me home for holidays, etc. I don’t feel bad when she spends money on me because I know I am an inexpensive self-sufficient adult child.

    Since starting dental school, not to brag or anything, but I’ve become awesome at grown-up stuff. I’m a wiz at finding good cheap insurance, shopping for the best student loan lender, finding scholarships, making friends with my financial aid conselor, getting in state tuition and saving 60 grand over 3 years, bartering with landloards for cheaper rent, doing online surverys, finding a coupon online for anything fun, finding free outdoor movies, budgeting student loan excess money, getting my cell phone company to lower my plan, finding cheap internet service, searching for cute inexpensive furniture on craigslist, etc. Once I graduate I’m definately going to annihilate this student loan debt and be just fine. If my parents were paying for everything, I would have no idea what to do with myself once I actually made a dentists salary.

    My parents have 5 kids. They did school by themselves. I can do it too. They love me so much they let me figure it out on my own.

    Way to go SingleMa. You rock.

     

1. Paying for your kid’s college education at Clever Dude Personal Finance & Money (Pingback), 29 January 2008, 18:23
    

   [...] up, Single Ma has an exceptional article explaining why she does not intend to pay for her daughter’s college education. The article is about more than just spending money for college; it is an inspiration to parents [...]

    
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